Jacob Steinberg 

Chelsea v Manchester United – as it happened

Minute-by-minute report: Samuel Eto'o's hat-trick for Chelsea made it another miserable day for David Moyes and Manchester United
  
  

United won't be enjoying this.
United won't be enjoying this. Photograph: Matt Dunham/AP Photograph: Matt Dunham/AP

Manchester United's trudge off after their seventh defeat of the season. They are seventh, six points behind Liverpool in fourth place. There have been worse performances this season and they played with something approaching imagination in the first half. But although it's difficult to win these games without Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie and it's impossible not to detect a whiff of a brewing shambles. The defending for the Chelsea goals was rank. Chelsea did not play that well but they didn't have to and they were everything you'd expect from a proper Jose Mourinho side. They're two points behind Arsenal and one behind City and this title race is surely going to the wire. Thanks for reading. Bye.

Full-time: Chelsea 3-1 Manchester United

That's your lot!

90 min+5: Rafael should be off for a challenge that was a more obvious red card than Vidic's. He flew in two-footed with his studs raised on Cahill, the little so-and-so, drawing a furious reaction from Chelsea. But it's just a booking.

Updated

NEMANJA VIDIC IS SENT OFF!

90 min+1: United's day goes from bad to worse as their captain receives a straight red card. I must say I didn't see this coming. He was severely irritated by Hazard sauntering through the middle and decided to exact retribution with a hefty reducer. He steamed in late and frustrated, cleaning him out, but as he was picking Hazard back up and acknowledging his folly, Phil Dowd arrived on the scene to show the red. David Moyes has a look of disbelief on his face.

Updated

90 min+1: There will be four minutes of added time.

90 min: Carrick quarter-backs a pass into the same area for Smalling. This time his header finds Hernandez but his header finds Cech.

89 min: Fernando Torres has picked up a knock and is off for a spot of treatment.

87 min: "Cahill has been splendid, Jacob," says Jeff Sisler. "A shout out for him please!" Yes, he's been very good. Terry too. After a dodgy few years, he's playing well again. 

86 min: Nemanja Matic makes his second Chelsea debut, replacing Willian.

85 min: Hernandez, operating in the Pirlo role he's so often associated with, pings a glorious pass into the area to Smalling, who cushions the ball into the six-yard box, where ... oh, wait, Hernandez was standing all the way over there, having played the pass. D'oh!

84 min: Barring a miracle, the comeback is not on. "As a Liverpool fan I think I speak on behalf of every red out there when I say we couldn't believe it when Moyes was first linked with United and then got the job," says Espen Bommen. "Although I never expected their decline to be this fast and this steep, fact is, despite what the press kept telling us, Moyes has never been a great manager. He's not awful of course, but he's never been able to win when it mattered. It's not just his record against the big four. It's his record in every single big game Everton had. Wigan in the FA cup last season is a prime example of his shortcomings as a manager. Why anyone thinks he is the solution is behind me but long may it continue."

82 min: United's tactics: give it to Januzaj, hope.

81 min: "I see Anthony Gerrard's point, but I'm not so sure that Moyes has the team under-performing," says Matt Dony. "It's more a case of Ferguson had them over-performing. This season is showing what a talented man-manager and motivator Fergie was (Damn him. I'm a Liverpool fan.) He could put out a decent but limited team, but have them believing they are world-beaters. They believed they had the divine right to win matches, and so they won matches. Moyes doesn't seem able to instil the same mindset." It's also natural for there to be a comedown at the club after such a huge change. 26 years! Who would have had the personality to keep spirits high? Probably only Mourinho.

79 min: Fernando Torres replaces hat-trick hero Samuel Eto'o.

GOAL! Chelsea 3-1 Manchester United (Hernandez, 78 min)

Javier Hernandez nabs his trademark goal against Chelsea. It's a well-worked one, even if it probably is irrelevant in the context of the match. With the match seemingly trundling along, Welbeck suddenly quickened the pace with an electric burst and a nutmeg on the right. He cut the ball back to Jones, who clipped a low shot towards the far post. It was going wide but Hernandez was on hand to turn it in from two yards out. He was onside despite Chelsea's protests. Is the comeback on? Short answer: no.

Updated

76 min: Not quite sure what's gone on there, a couple of entries got lost. Not that anything happened. Or perhaps I fell asleep. I'm not sure.

70 min: Out of nowhere, Petr Cech suddenly finds himself afflicted with a touch of the Barthezes. A backpass was played to him and there wasn't much danger. But he decided to take a touch and the ball started rolling towards goal, with Hernandez furiously closing in. Instead of clearing it, Cech decided a Cruyff turn was the best course of action. It worked but let me be perfectly clear about this, he won't be doing that again - on the touchline, Mourinho is fuming. That moment's just ruined his entire weekend.

Updated

69 min: Chelsea concede a corner with some catastrophic defending, Cahill walloping a clearance against an unwitting Ramires, the ball flying behind. From Januzaj's corner, Welbeck flashes a header wide.

68 min: Mikel replaces Oscar, Chelsea shutting up shop. "Don’t you think the poor defending is down to poor coaching?" says Peter Young. "That graphic you posted is remarkably disconcerting." Of course. Either the players aren't listening or they're being told the wrong things.

66 min: "Moyes' team is currently underperforming compared to the same squad under Ferguson," says Andrew Gerrard. "Martinez' team is over performing compared to Moyes' Everton. So is Moyes' worse than the average manager, or is Martinez as good as Ferguson?" Well... no. But Martinez has Moyes's team plus some cracking additions. Moyes has Ferguson's team, minus Scholes, Van Persie and Rooney (today), and with bonus Fellaini thrown in.

65 min: But this time they survive. John Obi Mikel is getting ready to come on for Chelsea.

64 min: Hazard shimmies inside from the left, past Smalling and Vidic, but his shot is deflected over by Carrick for a corner. The last time Chelsea had one of these it didn't end well for United.

63 min: Willian's deflected drive whistles straight at De Gea. The game is lulling. Both teams know it's over. The only question left is whether Chelsea turn sadistic. "Back when Gordon Strachan took over Celtic there was an interview in which he accepted responsibility for their appalling start to his first season," says Enna Cooper. "He said that the change in expectations had just been too much for him; he was used to sending out a team to try to not lose a match, and all of a sudden he was in a position where his team was supposed to be winning all the time and he just hadn't got his head around the difference quickly enough. Do we think that something similar could be happening with David Moyes? Moyes' Everton were often set up to make themselves hard to beat, so would occasionally win along the way, rather than to beat the opposition. Is there still a hang-up to that in how he's sending out United?"

It's an interesting point you raise. Weird thing is, though Moyes's Everton would undoubtedly lose this game, it's hard to imagine them defending so badly for the goals.

60 min: Ramires wonks one well over from 30 yards. He got a bit excited there.

59 min: Chelsea's record in big games this season is impeccable, other than the defeat at Everton. I still fancy them for the title.

56 min: Ashley Young reminds everyone he was playing by, er, being replaced by Javier Hernandez. Let's be fair - Young had a good shot after two minutes. But it's been the usual hiding since then. "Earlier, David Flynn in an e-mail, was concerned about the way David Moyes had set up his team in a 5-3-1-1 formation," says Peter Doran. "This is his default setting when playing away to a top four side - and he never won a single one of those games with Everton. Welcome to the world of "No creativity and no attacking leadership"."

I'm not sure you can accuse Moyes of not having a go today. United did but they aren't good enough. Chelsea are miles ahead in the moment - on the pitch and in the dug-out - and that's reflected by the scoreline.

55 min: United's fans are doing defiant singing - that's how bad it is for their team at the moment. Valencia is booked for something or other. "Joe McGrath - did you teach me chemistry, and are also an uncle of the legendary Republic of Ireland defender?" says Chris Murray. "In any case, this McGrath is on to something. United's zippy opening has much to do with their recent problems. For all the pressure and whole-hearted endeavour, there's no creativity there whatsoever. It's frustrating to watch the umpteenth move up the pitch end in a speculative cross from Valencia. Ferguson's United had a much broader attacking repertoire. And yes, I've noticed that the heads go down after a time when this approach hasn't succeeded. They are low on ideas and - to reprise the constant clamour - in need of an inventive force to feed the strikers and lift the fans."

54 min: Gary Neville reckons that Willian is a Jose Mourinho player and I agree. Quibble all you like over Juan Mata but Willian has been very good recently.

52 min: "This might be the 1st time in more than 20 years we can confidently write off Man Utd for the title, but is it really a crisis?" says Richard Finch. "They have arguably the best goalscorer in the division to come back into the side and that Rooney chap. But most of all, presuming they go on and lose this they are only 2 wins behind Liverpool with 16 games still to play. Its not as if they are in danger of being sucked into the relegation dogfight."

Oh, it's all relative. Every clubs has different expectations and standards. If West Ham are in mid-table, fans are satisfied. If they're struggling, they're not and it's a potential crisis. For United, this is not good enough, even though they have been spoilt with success over the years.

51 min: Chris Smalling replaces a limping Patrice Evra. Smalling to right-back, Rafael to left-back. Hazard is now up against Smalling. United fans might want to shield their eyes.

Updated

50 min: Samuel Eto'o has scored the first Chelsea hat-trick against United since 1954. If United need any hope, they came back from 3-0 down to draw with Chelsea here two years ago.

GOAL! Chelsea 3-0 Manchester United (Eto'o, 49 min)

A hat-trick for Samuel Eto'o and this one is over! Willian swung the corner in from the right and Cahill escaped Evans to clatter a downward header goalwards. Poor old De Gea, who really doesn't deserve to keep goal behind these doofuses, saves brilliantly with his feet but the ball falls to Eto'o. One yard out, he's not missing.

Updated

48 min: Eto'o and Oscar triangulate on the right, the Cameroonian winning a corner. And..

47 min: "United's plan for the season is obvious if you look at their results," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Treat the league as training and win the Champions League in the meantime. So many fewer games to worry about, and next year and the manager's reputation are secured. What could possibly go wrong..?" It's simple, Liverpool finish fourth, United win the Champions League, everyone else watches on in amusement.

46 min: The second half begins. United are in a pickle. What if Chelsea start to play well? What then? What? "Is it possible that the acquisition of Van Persie papered over the real quality of many of their who have been duly revealed as flatterers to deceive with his absence (and, of course, the inability to find someone remotely capable of filling his boots)?" says Lou Roper. "In reality, the side chosen today is not going to threaten for a European place and this may take some getting used to for those whose memories do not stretch beyond 1993 and add to their frustration (hopefully)."

The state of the United defence for Eto'o's second. Look at it! If you squint hard enough, you'll see Roger Johnson in a red shirt.

The Welbeck chance - a possibility it was a foul by Azpilicueta and it could have been a penalty. Intriguingly Graeme Souness says penalty and Glenn Hoddle says clean challenge. 

Half-time emails

"Think Joe's nailed it," says Trevor Clements. "And that comes from a Liverpool fan."

"It's true United often start well, but you don't win matches in the first 10-15 minutes," says Simon Reece. "Need to keep it going. And instead of scoring late on, they've been conceding late on."

"First half: two goals, some bookings, lot of ref-chat...and two minutes of added time," says Allan Castle. "Second half will include four minutes come what may or I'm a shaggy Belgian. So, time added on: science? Or art?"

"Anyone who thinks Man U are in crisis should try supporting West Ham," says Tom Shaw.

"Despite what Joe McGrath says, Moyes is in danger," says Simon McMahon. "He might yet turn things round but a top six, never mind top four, finish is looking as though it might be beyond United this season. He needs to do something radical. I suggest he ditches the suit and starts turning up for matches in crazy, Nelson Mandela style shirts. If nothing else, it will divert attention from what's going on on the pitch."

"When Oscar tried his bicycle kick, it was Carrick trying to stop him!" says Amanda Roberts. 

Updated

Half-time: Chelsea 2-0 Manchester United

Peep! Peep! And that's that for the first half. On the balance of play, Chelsea may not deserve to lead by two goals - United have been bright, Adnan Januzaj especially so, but they haven't taken their chances and Chelsea have taken advantage. Eto'o's first goal owed much to good fortune, the second to poor marking, but Chelsea have been pleasingly ruthless. How Mourinho.

45 min+2: "David Moyes, we want you to stay!" bellow the Chelsea fans.

45 min+1: Two minutes of the added stuff.

GOAL! Chelsea 2-0 Manchester United (Eto'o, 45 min)

Who says Chelsea need a new striker? Samuel Eto'o, who scored the winner against Liverpool, has scored twice against Manchester United! Although United dealt with the initial corner from Willian, they immediately fell asleep when the ball went to Ramires outside the area. For some reason, United stopped defending and Ramires was able to find Cahill on the right of the area with a fine pass. With United all over the place, Cahill slid the ball into the middle and there was barely a United defender within five yards of Samuel Eto'o, one of the best strikers of the past decade. He swept a right-footed finish under De Gea. Criminal, negligent defending from the champions.

Updated

45 min: A free-kick to Chelsea, 25 yards out. David Luiz takes it. It hits the wall and goes out for a corner on the right. And...

42 min: A Chelsea counter-attack almost brings them the second goal. Willian began it with a dash away from Rafael on the left - he's deceptively quick, I reckon - and he pokes a pass to Hazard in the middle. Hazard dribbles right, without much support. But his feet are quick enough to hold off the two United defenders and then he flicks a pass into the area to Eto'o. He tries a volley but it's blocked - only for the ball to fly to Oscar, whose overhead kick from six yards out flashes inches over. De Gea would not have saved that.

40 min: Januzaj, again, wreaks havoc on the left, scooping a pass through to Evra. Again, though, the cutback is staggeringly incompetent.

39 min: Phil Jones's ability to inflict accidental injury remains undimmed - he goes up for a 50-50 with Luiz and the Brazilian is left nursing a sore bonce after a clash of heads. It was actually a foul by Luiz as he was beaten to the ball, mind you, but Phil Dowd restarts with a drop ball. David Moyes has the face on. They're all against you!

38 min: What a chance for Daniel Welbeck! Januzaj, United's best player by far, crossed low from the left and although it wasn't particularly threatening, Terry slipped as he went to clear the ball, allowing it to reach Welbeck eight yards from goal. But he got the ball stuck under his feet and he was jostled by Azpilicueta as he slashed weakly at Cech. Van Persie would have scored.

37 min: "I think I've noticed a pretty clear pattern for the last few United matches - or am I just delusional?" says Joe McGrath. "For large stretches of the game, we play similar to how we did for the first 15 minutes today - surprisingly well. We don't capitalise on most of the chances we make, and then concede due to mistakes, luck, and a combination of perseverance and belief from our opponents. After the match, people claim we were awful throughout, despite the fact that we were not. The two clearest differences between this season and last is that we're not putting away chances, and that teams are more resilient against us psychologically. Neither is particularly surprising. Our best strikers have been fairly absent, which is a big cause of the first difference. The change in management has eradicated both the perception that we'll score when we're behind and the belief that when we're ahead there's little chance of our opponents clawing their way back. So: am I delusional, have I missed something, or is everyone just getting hysterical when they shout "crisis" and call for Moyes' head?"

35 min: Ashley Young is booked for pulling back Ramires. That means his chief weapon, the dive, has now become redundant.

34 min: This is classic Mourinho, really. Chelsea haven't done much at all, United have had most of the play, but they trail because of a spawny goal. Be under no illusions, he's planned this.

31 min: Adnan Januzaj is going to be so good, it's rather scary. Showing great strength and monumental skill, he leaves David Luiz with twisted blood on the left of the area. He turns left. He goes right. He leaves Luiz trailing in his wake. But once again there aren't United players in the area and Januzaj's inviting ball across the face of goal, begging to be tapped in, isn't the one.

30 min: A shot from Oscar dribbles miles wide from the right. He almost managed to send it out for a throw.

28 min: Patrice Evra, a veritable goal machine these days, smothers Oscar and nicks the ball deep in Chelsea territory. He charges into the area but only has Januzaj up with him in support and decides to shoot from an angle, battering a rising drive past the near post and into the side netting. It would have taken something special to beat Cech from there. Mourinho isn't happy, though, and he's fingered David Luiz for special blame, telling the Brazilian he needs to sit, not gambol around the place without a care in the world.

27 min: United show up in attack for the first time since Chelsea's goal. Evra slips a cute pass into Januzaj on the left of the area. He perhaps doesn't realise how much time he has and fails to take the shot with his right foot, instead moving it on to his left foot and turning into trouble. When he cuts the ball back from an angle, David Luiz is perfectly positioned to put an end to the danger.

26 min: "Alan Green would be proud of your David Luiz snide comments," snivels poor, sensitive Lloyd Mills.

24 min: David Luiz has a remarkable capacity for oafish behaviour. Already on a booking, he thought about hanging an elbow into Rafael's face but withdrew just in time as the United right-back reached him, otherwise that was going to be very painful.

23 min: Suddenly Chelsea have the proverbial bit between their teeth. They've woken up now, all right. "Is anyone else disappointed that Fellaini isn't playing?" says Allan Castle. "The thought of him being blocked off the ball by Luiz and Willian is hair-tastic. Also: something about both teams playing in their first choice kit just seems right. Too rare."

22 min: Eden Hazard hasn't been involved at all but he's warming up now! He picked up possession on the left flank and although he was faced by both Vidic and Rafael, he slithered past both of them as if they weren't there, gliding to the byline on the outside and hammering a low cross into the six-yard box that was hacked behind for a corner. Willian took it and his low cross bounced through the six-yard box. Needed a touch, didn't get a touch.

21 min: Yep, a needless shoulder barge from Luiz on the right touchline sent Valencia skittering miles off the pitch. Good player, but a dirty player.

19 min: David Luiz is booked for a foul on Valencia. Everyone's very annoyed about it – Chelsea because he's been booked, United because of the nature of the foul - but I can offer you no comment as I didn't actually see it and I haven't been shown a replay. Bah! It's David Luiz, though, so I assume it was snide.

GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Manchester United (Eto'o, 17 min)

Such as this. Samuel Eto'o scored the last time he played against Manchester United - for Barcelona in the 2009 Champions League final - and he's traumatising them again. Start a police report, though, for this is daylight robbery. Chelsea have hardly put together a move of note and now look. Eto'o received the ball from a throw on the right. He sauntered inside and moved past Jones, who did not do enough to stop him. Eto'o decided to shoot with his left from 20 yards and the ball flicked off Carrick's outstretched leg and looped over the helpless De Gea and into the top right corner. Jose's winning.

Updated

16 min: It's becoming rather scrappy, the match replete with niggly fouls in the middle. People are starting to get irritable. It would be nice if something interesting occurred.

13 min: LET'S GET TACTICAL: Adnan Januzaj is the furthest player forward for United, with Welbeck often dropping back to the halfway line. They've confounded Chelsea, who weren't expecting this. Not fair!

12 min: Chelsea are slowly improving. Hazard and Oscar link on the left, which is always pleasing, and a neat interchange leads to them finding Willian in the middle. He shoots. It's deflected. De Gea prevents the corner.

11 min: Chelsea muster their first attack. Ramires, who always performs well at United, canters through the middle but scuffs a shot straight at De Gea from 25 yards. 

9 min: This is most amusing. Hazard tries to initiate a counter after a loose touch from Jones, only to be taken out as David Luiz clatters into Jones, in turn sending the United player flying into Hazard. Phil Dowd blows for a free-kick but, perhaps realising what had happened only once he'd tooted his whistle, he keeps his cards in his pocket.

8 min: Now Rafael breaks in behind Hazard on the right but his cross is easily headed away by Terry. "I think he'll get buried at that near post," quips Gary Neville. "He always seems to be there."

7 min: Chelsea have barely been in United's half yet. Most people will have been expecting them to tear into United from the off but it hasn't worked out like that at all.

5 min: This is remarkably dozy from Chelsea. Januzaj knocks a pass round the corner for Welbeck. It should be dealt with by Terry but he thinks it's just going to run out of play. Wrong. Welbeck reaches it but he's tackled by Terry, the ball going out for a throw. But United won't go away. Valencia skips past a challenge on the right, reaches the byline and reaches a corner. Januzaj's speedy delivery flashes right through the area, no one able to get a touch.

3 min: And still the pressure continues, United winning a corner on the left. But Young's delivery is a waste of time and a free-kick is awarded for some pushing in the middle anyway. Perhaps Chelsea might wake up now.

2 min: Boos greet Ashley Young's first touch of the ball. They could be coming from either end. But United have started so well, on the front foot and completely dominant in possession. They have Chelsea pinned back and as the home side fail to clear a cross from Rafael, Young and Welbeck exchange a clever passes on the edge of the area, allowing the former to strike a low shot towards the far post. But Cech is behind it all the way and parries it out. Encouraging for United, though. Chelsea haven't started.

And we're off! Manchester United, in red shirts and white shorts, get the game underway, kicking from right to left in the first half. Thus they are defending the Shed End.

Here come the teams. Phil Dowd leads them out and picks up the yellow ball off the plinth. Not sure what to make of that Premier League marketing goonery. Chelsea are in blue, United are in red and there's a fine atmosphere inside Stamford Bridge. "The hand gestures tell you all you need to know about the respective managers," says Simon McMahon. "Mourinho's has economy of movement, is direct and to point, with eyes and hand in perfect harmony. In short, he knows what he's doing. Moyes, on the other hand (geddit?), is trying to project confidence but is looking in one direction while pointing in another, unsure whether to use one finger or two. Or I could be reading too much into it."

"Anyone wondering why David Moyes is struggling should look at United's starting line-up up today and see it for what it really is, namely 5 defenders, 3 wingers, 1 midfielder, 1 striker, no creativity and no attacking leadership," rages David Flynn. "I don't know whether to be angry because he chose such a bizarre team or feel sorry for him because he had very little choice."

It's all much of a muchness. I can't say I particularly disagree with United's line-up. You can argue about playing Young instead of Kagawa, but it's not like leaving out Rooney or Van Persie. Phil Jones has played well in midfield before. Adnan Januzaj will contribute more in general play than Javier Hernandez.

"Picking Ashley Young ahead of the anyone shows Moyes has learned nothing," says Mark Judd. "I’m not a Premier League manager, I admit that, but I would have put Januzaj on the left, Kagawa behind Welbeck, and given Young away free with a packet of cornflakes."

Kagawa hasn't done much though and this is exactly the type of game in which he might be invisible. Not that Young's special brand of cowardice will fill United fans with much confidence. But. But. But he perhaps offers more on the break and a marginally bigger goal threat. It sums up where United are at the moment, though.

"Surely Mourinho is only starting David Luiz so we all get to see a direct comparison when he gets subbed for Matic later on," says Seth Meyer. Come now. David Luiz has done well in central midfield for both Mourinho and Benitez. He's not hugely disciplined but he's so talented and he's better there than in defence.

Sky's Geoff Shreeves is talking to Jose Mourinho. Look how pleased he is. He's on top of the world. First question, then: "Tell me about your team and how they set up."

Silence. "Normal." Silence. An awkward silence. 

Finally: "I was hoping for more." 

"For that you have the pundits." A flicker of a smile.

He can't be bothered! Geoff, he can't be bothered! He's got a sudoko to finish! Oh Geoff!

The teams are in. No, Juan Mata doesn't start for Chelsea. No, nor does returning hero Nemanja Matic. No, Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie are not fit. No, I can't explain why Ashley Young is a Manchester United player.

Chelsea: Cech; Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta; Ramires, David Luiz; Willian, Oscar, Hazard; Eto’o. Subs: Schwarzer, Cole, Mikel, Matic, Lampard, Mata, Torres.

Manchester United: De Gea; Rafael, Evans, Vidic, Evra; Valencia, Carrick, Jones, Young; Januzaj; Welbeck. Subs: Lindegaard, Giggs, Smalling, Hernandez, Cleverley, Fletcher, Kagawa.

Referee: Phil Dowd.

Preamble

The last time these sides met, the game was so bad that Roy Hodgson declared it the best he had ever seen – it really was that boring. Nothing happened. Not one thing. The build-up was fun, Jose Mourinho patronising David Moyes, Jose Mourinho making fluttery eyes at Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney making fluttery eyes at Jose Mourinho, Jose Mourinho deciding not to play a striker simply to make a point, Jose Mourinho playing Kevin De Bruyne simply to make a point and Jose Mourinho just being Jose. That was all great fun. But then the match started. That wasn't fun.

So here's hoping for something more entertaining today, then. Something more like the corresponding fixture last season (albeit with any erroneous accusations of referees racially abusing Chelsea players, of course). But back in October 2012, Roberto di Matteo was Chelsea manager and Sir Alex Ferguson was at Manchester United. Imagine. Wasn't life different? Chelsea weren't overly bothered with defending and United were happy attacking. United breezed into an early 2-0 lead but were hauled back to 2-2, only for Chelsea to have Branislav Ivanovic and Torres sent off and Javier Hernandez to score the winner for the visitors. Don't go about throwing hipster shapes just because it wasn't very tactical. It definitely was fun. Another classic would be hugely appreciated.

That victory aside, though, United have a dismal record at Stamford Bridge. That was their first win there since April 2002 and they have lost in west London since then, going down 1-0 in the FA Cup last season. What's more, Mourinho has never lost a league game at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea are on an Eden Hazard-inspired roll and have tightened up their defence, United's hot one-game winning streak is fooling no one and Moyes has never won an away game against any of the Traditional Big Four.

It doesn't bode well for United, then. Most people are predicting them to lose, as they have tended to do against proper sides this season, and another defeat will lead to more speculation over Moyes's future – though I reckon we'll only know if he's not as good as Ferguson once he's had 26 years in the job. But football's a funny old game. Real funny. You never know what could happen, even when you do. Predictions are useless.

In summary: sit back and enjoy the ride. After all, it's only a game.

Kick-off: 4pm.

 

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