If nothing else England's players have been in good humour in Western Australia. At dinner this week there was much merriment after Ugo Monye discovered too late that Tabasco sauce had been sneakily applied to the rim of his wine glass. At various times one squad member or another passes through the lobby of the Sheraton Hotel wearing a condom-shaped cap awarded to the buffoon of the day.
It qualifies as harmless fun on one proviso: that England win at least one game on this trip. The realisation is growing that defeat tomorrow could have grim consequences. Australia rarely lose in Sydney and the NZ Maori will be fierce opponents in Napier. Even the Australian Barbarians will now fancy their chances in Gosford on Tuesday, having drawn 28-28 in the opening tour game. What price England's supposed improvement if they fly home without a solitary victory in five fixtures?
Should that nightmare start to loom the plea from many supporters will be simple: give it to Chris Ashton. Only England could be struggling to score tries with such a deadly finisher waiting out on the wing, a player who has scored 75 tries in 78 games of rugby union for Northampton. Even as a teenager in rugby league he registered 30 tries in 52 matches for his native Wigan. Strangely, England chose not to pick him until their final Six Nations contest against France in Paris when he and Ben Foden caused all sorts of problems. Had he not opted to kick ahead when it seemed simpler to score, England might just have won.
The 23-year-old Ashton would be the last person to claim he has the ability to transform English rugby single-handed. That said, he is not the type of character who meekly follows the herd or deals only in cliches. "I don't mind the rain now but I used to hate it in Wigan," he said this week, gazing out at the cobalt skies of a mild Perth winter day. "Then I realised the opposition don't like it either which might be good for me." He also takes an entertainingly dim view of the idea England's forwards should simply stick it up their jumpers against Australiatomorrow: "There is a point where you need to break it up a little bit. You want to pass it out and make good tries ... you don't want to be boring all the time, do you?"
Usually an affable practical joker, Ashton also admits to darker moments when he feared that leaving Wigan at the tender age of 20 had been a terrible mistake. In his first year at the Saints he scored a club record 41 tries, only to endure a lean introduction to the Premiership following promotion as he grappled with the intricacies of his new code. "Instinct for me is the hard thing, as opposed to thinking about it all the time. It's not something you can teach but, equally, you can't do without it. I gradually realised I couldn't just run and expect to score three tries every week."
His subsequent progress reflects well on his coaches at Northampton and, more poignantly, on the life lessons his late father, Kevin, instilled into him as a boy. Ashton senior, his keenest supporter, succumbed to cancer last month at the age of 55; his son picked up his award as the Guinness Premiership Player of the Season barely 24 hours after the funeral. He also took the decision to keep playing in honour of his dad. "After a few days in Wigan I went back to Northampton because I felt I needed to. As soon as I was with the lads it felt like I was back to normal. Coming away with England takes your mind off it even more. You're doing what you love doing and what my Dad wanted me to do. He would have loved to have been here but I'm sure he is still watching me. He used to tell me to believe in myself, that the cream always rises to the top and that if sometimes things don't happen then it's for a reason. If you're good enough things will work out eventually."
Ashton, who enjoyed victory over Australia in Sydney as a member of England's Under-18 league squad, has a similarly philosophical take on his move away from his normal right-wing role for the Saints to the left for England. Some felt a sense of disorientation contributed to the "try-that-got-away" in Paris but Ashton, scorer of 16 Premiership tries last season, is not so sure. "I still take the attitude that if you're a wing you're a wing. If anything I prefer to play on the left because I carry the ball in my left hand but I'm sure if I'm in the same position against Australia I won't be kicking it."
England need to seize every chance if the Wallabies are to be beaten and must summon up the same positive spirit that almost deprived France of their grand slam. Ashton's understanding with Foden, if not quite telepathic, is a recurring bonus and the former is convinced England will prosper if they utilise their entire back three as they did in Paris. "We definitely need to show we can carry on playing like that. Hopefully if we get a bit of ball we can do the same."
A dash of Tabasco rugby would refresh a few jaded palates back home.
