Being forced to work against its will, deprived of the right to leave, and earning peanuts, the Mill understands slavery only too well. So, it seems, does that champion of the underdog, that peerless scrapper for the rights of the downtrodden, Sepp Blatter.
Forced to survive on just £100,000 a week, a string of busty models and the odd cheeky wink, Cristiano Ronaldo has long been an icon to those inspired by his defiance in the face of such hardship. But now, according to Spartacus Blatter, it's time for Ronaldo to rise up and smash the "modern slavery" system that the contract he signed of his own free will ties him to.
Fergie, in between leaving "please don't go" messages for his BBC spokesman Carlos Queiroz, is having none of it. He won't sell Ronaldo no matter what the offer because it would lead to anarchy - something the United manager, after donning his Anarchoman cape and leotard, is on a one-man crusade to prevent, if the back pages of one esteemed tabloid are to be believed.
Another team clamping their players in irons and subjecting their 30-year-old employees to shocking £150,000-a-week, four-year contracts are Chelsea. So horrified by this scant regard for his human rights is 'Super' Frank Lampard that he'll use his 'hard-earned' pay to buy his way out of his contract. Chelsea will seek solace in the arms of Robinho, providing Real Madrid are slipped the £30m or one Didier Drogba they require. Tal Ben-Haim will use the shenanigans as the perfect cover to allow him to slip away unnoticed to Manchester City.
After prising Steve Sidwell from his £65,000-a-week "misery" at Stamford Bridge, nerdish genius Martin O'Neill fancies rescuing David Bentley from Blackburn for £10m. Once Ewood Park officials have finished laughing at that bid, they'll sell the midfielder to Spurs, who have shown an admirable willingness to both swing the axe and provide the Mill with a cheap paragraph by putting an entire team, plus substitutes, up for sale. The team in question and their potential destinations? Paul Robinson to Villa or Boro for £4m, Pascal Chimbonda to Portsmouth or Newcastle, Anthony Gardner to Stoke, Michael Dawson to Newcastle or Hull, Lee Young-Pyo to PSV, Steed Malbranque to Villa, Teemu Tainio to Hamburg, Kevin-Prince Boateng to Real Betis or Stuttgart, Hossam Ghaly to Blackburn or Derby, Robbie Keane to Liverpool and Darren Bent to Sunderland. The reserves out on their ear include: Younes Kaboul to Portsmouth for £6m, Paul Stalteri, Ricardo Rocha and Adel Taarabt. On the incoming list? Er … nobody, after Cameroon keeper Carlos Kameni took one look at the clause banning him from playing at the African Cup of Nations and did one.
Growing, unrelentingly, in tediousness every day are the goings on elsewhere in north London. Alex Hleb is definitely on his way to Camp Nou because he's tired of Arsenal/life/London, for £14.5m say Barcelona. "Eh?" says Arsène Wenger, after checking the £18m price-tag he'd slapped on the midfielder's head. Joining him through the exit door are Emmanuel Adebayor, the moment someone stumps up the requisite 30m beans, and Gilberto Silva, as soon as he can work out how to type Panathinaikos into his sat nav. It's not all bad for Wenger, though. After a £19m bid from an unnamed Premier League club for Andrei Arshavin was rejected, agent Dennis Lachter was left furiously winking at the Arsenal boss and issuing subtle come-and-get-him pleas along the lines of: "Andrei and Arsenal could be a very good wedding".
Liverpool have decided that Xabi Alonso is worth £15m, Juventus have decided he isn't, so they've stopped casting him furtive glances. Rafa will console himself with £16m worth of David Silva after offloading Scott Carson to Stoke and Charles Itandje to Galatasaray, who'll be replaced by £3m Diego Cavalieri.
The rest: £10m Andy Johnson fancies the cut of Wigan's gib, while Diego Milito fancies the cut of anyone but Everton's. Fulham are willing to spend £6.5m - £6.5m! - on Bobby Zamora and fancy a little bit of John Panstil and John Kelly on the side. So disgusted by such squander is Antti Niemi that he'll sidle off to Juventus.
Things have got so bad for Celestine Babayaro that he's been offloaded by LA Galaxy, leaving him ripe to be picked up 'Arry Redknapp for nowt. Meanwhile, bad news for Ibrahima Sonko, who has been told he does, after all, have a future at Reading. Someone who will escape the Madjeski death-ship is striker Dave Kitson, who'll snub Birmingham for Fulham. Meanwhile, Ian Holloway thinks Hearts are the club to revive his management 'career' and if Marcus Bent is the answer, the Mill doesn't want to know the question Cardiff asked.
Finally, George Boateng thinks Hull might make a nice spot to park his zimmer frame and PSG defender Sammy Traore has taken an 11pm look at English town centres and decided "in England there are plenty of scraps to get involved in and I really like physical battles", so will be over here touting his stuff imminently.
