The Rumour Mill was unsurprised by yesterday's tabloid revelations that Carlos Tevez is fed up with life, with football and with his enforced absence from the Tevez family's Christmas celebrations on an annual basis. "I have been playing in England for five years, and I have not spent a single Christmas nor new year with my family," moaned the Manchester City striker, yearning for some quality time drunkenly bickering with assorted family members over whether to watch Ice Age: Licensed To Chill or the EastEnders Christmas special, instead of soberly bickering with Roberto Mancini in a dressing room containing lots of sweaty men drinking thirstily from plastic water bottles, Emmanuel Adebayor and the acrid menthol vapour of Deep Heat and dirty socks.

As predictable an option as it might be, the Rumour Mill's not about to tell Tevez to stop his snickering and go find himself a job flipping burgers or sweeping the factory floor in order to gain some much-needed perspective. After all, the man's only ever played football for a living and can be forgiven for getting sick of it. The Rumour Mill's pretty certain that if, instead of churning out half-baked transfer tell-all for spare pennies, our job involved lorrying back champagne and sleeping with lingerie models for seven hours a day, five days a week, there would ultimately come a point where we'd get sick of it, wake up one morning and say: "Y'know what? Shove your white gold jerobaum of Dom Perignon, that mound of YR sauce-saturated sarnies and those blonde triplets in the striking yet utterly feminine matching Karla Colletto Tricolor Twist bathing costumes – I'm going to the bowling alley."

But the Rumour Mill digresses. Having spent every Christmas for the last five years at home with its family, airing longheld grievances between gulps of enough cinnamon-tinged eggnog to sink a dreadnought battlecruiser, we are generously prepared to fill in for the spiky Argentinian and play as City's loan frontman in their matches at St James' Park and Eastlands over the festive period. In return, we expect Señor Tevez to hand over his £150,000 stipend for that particular week, as payment for our kindness. He'll get to spend a week finding out that Christmas spent snuggled in the bosom of one's family isn't the cosy, warmly-grinning, happy-clappy group hug he thinks it is, while the Rumour Mill gets to realise its boyhood dream of playing up front for a top-flight football club. It's a win-win situation. Particularly for fans of Newcastle United and Aston Villa.

So ... rumours. Manchester United want Lyon's Brazilian wing-back Michel Bastos, who is 27 years old and a potential replacement for Patrice Evra, who "some sources" say is unsettled in Manchester and angling for a move back to his native France.

Benfica centre-back David Luiz has won the football equivalent of the EuroMillions jackpot, with Chelsea and Manchester City being tipped to become embroiled in an unseemly January bidding war for his services. Portuguese newspaper Abola suggests that Chelsea are prepared to pay as much as €30m. The Benfica chairman, Luís Filipe Vieira, has stopped gleefully rubbing his hands together for long enough to announce that he will not take a penny less than the €50m stipulated in his player's termination clause.

Having failed to cut it as one of 'Arry Redknapp's special pets despite his excellent performances for Mexico at the World Cup, Tottenham's Giovani dos Santos looks to be on his way out of White Hart Lane. Napoli, Roma Fiorentina and Genoa are all interested in acquiring the 21-year-old's services. Wolves midfielder David Jones is "being trailed" by Bolton Wanderers, Blackburn Rovers and Newcastle United, in a rumour that conjures up images of Owen Coyle hunkering down, touching some leaves, picking up a twig and sniffing it, then turning to Sam Allardyce and Chris Hughton and saying "he went that way".

According to the Sun, Milan's 21-year-old Brazilian striker Pato (Alexandre Rodrigues da Silva to his mum) has said that, while he's flattered by speculation linking him with a £55m January move to Manchester City, he will only leave the San Siro to play for Barcelona. "I am very happy with the Rossoneri and have great affection for the team," chirruped the man they call the duck. "If I was going to leave Milan, I'd only go to Barça."

And speaking of Brazilian strikers, Kaká famously belongs to Jesus, but it's Real Madrid that look likely to take a massive financial hit on the Brazilian, whose underwhelming stint at the Bernabéu will be brought to a merciful end when he moves to Inter. Kaká's compatriot Neymar, the Santos tyro for whose services Chelsea offered €25m during the summer, has been recommended to Juve by former Brazil coach Dunga in this morning's pink Italian daily La Gazzetta dello Sport.