CLEVER LOU SAYS HELLO
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Clever Lou. Five long intolerably cruel days without hearing from him about how he invented the internet, the radio, television, thinking sliced bread, 3-5-2, football, thinking, vanishing spray, twerking, selfies, Simon Cowell and Johan Cruyff. The Fiver has spent that time lovingly stroking its Clever Lou sticker and watching YouTube videos of him looking stern and then sometimes looking happy and then looking stern again. It’s been tough. But fear not, for the wait is at an end and fresh from leading Holland to third place in that Brazilian jamboree, Clever Lou has arrived in England ready to thrust Plucky Little Manchester United out of their Moyesian slump.
Admittedly he hasn’t got off to the best start at Old Trafford, with Alex Buttner leaving for Dynamo Moscow and Bébé emulating Cristiano Ronaldo by expressing his desire to seal a move back to a sunny European country, before news emerged that Clever Lou’s top transfer target was hard-running spoofer, Dirk Kuyt. Then he remembered that he’d agreed to work with Ed Woodward. Then he remembered that his squad includes Chris Smalling, Phil Jones, Tom Cleverley and Wayne Rooney and that he’d forgotten to pack his trusty dustbin. But he’s beginning to make his presence felt and has already made several hacks go weak at the knees by ordering his new players to do double training on his first day. Double training! People, we have a renegade revolutionary in our midst. Double training!
See, there’s something about Clever Lou. Journalists thrill at the way he looks down on them, treats them as if they are worthless, makes them feel like little slugs with no personality who don’t even deserve to be on the same planet as them. They don’t mind, they vibe off it, they want him to narrow his eyes and spit “That’s a stupid question” at them. So, while Clever Lou’s unveiling was rudely timed before The Fiver’s bedtime, we can imagine how it went: questions like “Is Wayne Rooney good?” and “Do you like Manchester United?” and “What’s your favourite sandwich?” and “What time is my train home?”, each one cleverly disguised as bait intended to press his buttons and make him erupt in a cloud of indignant smoke. The Fiver knows their game. But it doesn’t matter. Everyone’s happy. Clever Lou has landed.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If Fifa would not follow up on any potential infringements of its intellectual property, it would risk losing its legal right and title to such works, thereby endangering the foundation of its commercial programme which is driven primarily by the access to, and usage of, our brand marks, including the Fifa World Cup trophy. An example of the strength of Fifa’s intellectual property assets is reflected by recent research in seven key global markets where the Fifa World Cup trophy recorded an average recognition level of 83%. These levels are significantly higher than any other sporting trophies. As a result, we cannot allow a commercially branded helmet to feature the Fifa World Cup trophy as this would jeopardise the rights of our commercial affiliates” – Fifa, in a statement that could never be accused of being pompous, jumps all over giddy F1 jockey Nico Rosberg’s hopes to wear a special World Cup helmet at the German GP.
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BITS AND BOBS
Toni Kroos has done one from Bayern Munich to Big Cup champions Real Madrid for £5m less than Adam Lallana cost Liverpool. “We thank Toni Kroos for his time in Munich,” said Karl-Heinz Rummenigge’s gritted teeth.
After successfully lowering a nation’s expectations, Mr Roy has now lowered England’s Fifa world ranking 10 places to 20th, an 18-year low. Germany are top, obviously. And Greece are 11th, erm, obviously.
An Australian court has convicted a third British player for his part in a match-fixing ring that corrupted games in a semi-pro Australian league.
Mesut Özil has donated the £240,000 he earned from winning the World Cup to charidee. “This is my personal thank you for the hospitality of the people of Brazil,” said the Arsenal player, who has now helped fund surgery for 23 Brazilian kids.
And Mr Roy’s boys have put a dent of £20m into Sports Direct’s takings after Mike Ashley’s company revealed a staggeringly naive World Cup business plan. “It’s all about England for the World Cup for our stores. What affects sales primarily will always be how long England lasts in the tournament,” sniffed a Sports Direct suit.
STILL WANT MORE?
Which Laaaahdaaan club is Antoine Griezmann off to? The Rumour Mill reveals all, kind of.
Phwoooaaaaar! is the general reaction to people viewing Richard Swarbrick’s World Cup animations in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Barry Glendenning chews the fat with Stoke’s Asmir Begovic about the World Cup, Lionel Messi and meeting his wife-to-be amid a Portsmouth pub punch-up.
Which Premier League club has done the best transfer business so far? The Fiver hasn’t the foggiest but we’re guessing our readers won’t be shy of answering this one.
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COULD DELIA DO THIS?
