Can someone make another one of these?

Thanks to 'ChimbleySweep' for sending this our way. It was a bit darker at today's bash, but maybe that could be reworked to jazz flute?

Letters from our man in Manchester...

He described it ("it" being Carrick's continued ankle problem) as a "big blow" and said it would take a "long time".

And we know what this refers to. United are off to the USA to play LA Galaxy, Roma, Inter Milan and Real Madrid in the space of eight days, four cities and three timezones. What commercial expectations?

This was how things began...

Some wishful thinking from Steve M: "Nani, Anderson, Bebe, Young, Smalling, Clevs all out. Di Maria, Vidal (wishful thinking), Carvalho, Reus and Hummels in. If we manage to offload and sign a few on that list there will be a title challenge. Otherwise I think top 4 is more realistic."

That'll be a lot for Van Gaal to get sorted out after his three-to-four-week watching brief.

This is not Louis van Gaal.

But it's from a pretty popular Twitter account that, as far as I can tell, purports to capture his voice. It might be a funny companion during the season but I can't guarantee it; I need to listen to him more.

We should probably return to his point about commercial expectations. That seemed pretty calculated, didn't it? Van Gaal is undeniably a Football Man, and won't have been the first to need some moulding into stark modern realities, but there was a statement in there. He sounded concerned that sponsors' demands will encroach upon his own footballing aims. I'm not sure this should exactly be news to him – Bayern's commercial arm is one of the biggest in the sport, and was during his time there – but he appeared a little surprised by what he had walked into.

So that wraps it up, summary coming up...

"Can I fulfil expectations? I think I can. But it is difficult because the greatness of this club is more than other clubs. And this club is guided in a commercial way and it is not always possible to meet commercial and football expectations. That is my big challenge after two days."

That's really interesting. He's now mentioned commercial imperatives twice, and gone out of his way to do so.

Lots of questions about his personality, about his perceived autocracy. Van Gaal narrows his fingers – it's a tiny part of him, he says, and looks, not for the first time this afternoon, suitable affronted. "Autocratic and a strong personality are not the same word. I have a strong philosophy, and every year I have trained [players] it confirms that philosophy. Sir Alex has a strong philosophy and he won lots of title at Manchester United."

Our own Jamie Jackson is right on the scene now: what would be success in LvG's first season? "I don't know. First of all I have to see how the players perform my philosophy and how quickly they pick it up. I haven't worked with most of them so we have to wait and see – it's very important that there is a click between the players and the manager. For me the challenge is first and not fourth, but when you analyse it it's about the click."

It's going to be his way or nothing here, you sense, despite the talk of having a good, hard look at everyone.

Van Gaal makes a Dutch journalist laugh by suggesting he has managed the top teams in Europe's top four leagues. "Tactically we are the best, we proved it in Brazil," he corrects him. There's little modesty going on here, but the tone is fairly light.

The Class of 92 are brought up by a local reporter. "Paul Scholes, we shall find a role for him, and also Phil Neville I believe. That's what's we want but we have to look....it's not an easy job and we have to speak about that personally. We'll have to wait and see." He does, though, confirm Nicky Butt's position.

How long will he need to turn things around? He won't give a figure here, but says the club took him because they were "excited" by his philosophy. There's been a little bit of drum banging here already; he's reminded us already of Holland's best World Cup results from this summer and that he has managed Ajax, Barca and Bayern.

Signings! A question about signings! A straight bat here. Van Gaal wants to look at the players he has inherited; he knows their style, but wants to spend three or four weeks seeing what they can do up close. "And then maybe, in three or four weeks, I buy other players." Luke Shaw and Ander Herrera were on a pre-existing list that Van Gaal says he approved, which comes at little surprise – it's well known, for example, that Moyes was working hard on the Shaw deal until his very last day in the job.

What does he expect to achieve in his time at United? Van Gaal doesn't really answer that, saying it's the biggest club in the world in terms of worldwide renown, but that in a sporting way no club that finishes seventh can call itself that. "But all over the world, in China, in Brazil, when I was coach of the Dutch team, people are talking about Manchester United."

LvG answers a question about the impact he hopes to make. "I'll do my utmost....I can't give predictions. It's the biggest club in the world."

He also put a nod in to the club's sponsors, interestingly, acknowledging their importance.

LvG: "First of all I want to thank Sir Bobby Charlton. It's a great honour to come into this stadium and be guided on my first steps with Sir Bobby Charlton. I have the age to have seen him play so I know what he means to Manchester United and English football, it was a great honour."

Sir Bobby Charlton is alongside him. They hold up a 'Van Gaal' Manchester United shirt between them. It's all smiles, while Sir Bobby gives Louis a quick pep talk.

"I want to know what will become of the whiteboards and iPads with which David Moyes was going to conquer the world," pleads 'deiseach' Below The Line. "Forget about Smalling and Cleverley, won't someone spare a thought for the iPads?!"

I just hope the current heatwave doesn't seduce him into thinking water breaks will be ok this season. He'll be getting enough of those in Manchester, etc etc etc.

And what about you? What do you think Van Gaal needs to sort out first? Cull the deadwood? Twist Arturo Vidal's arm? Give David Moyes a backroom job? Your thoughts, please....

Almost time. Lots of journalists milling around in what looks like a predictably crowded press room. Will Van Gaal come out with his fighting gloves on, or will this be a peaceable first acquaintance?

Here's what we're dealing with. I'll run you through Louis van Gaal's (that's better...) major trophy haul in full:

4x Eredivisie title (3 Ajax, one AZ); 2 x La Liga title (Barcelona); 1 x Bundesliga title (Bayern Munich); 1 x Champions League (Ajax); 1 x UEFA Cup (Ajax); domestic cups with all three; 2 x European Super Cup.

The man has pedigree, although things haven't always gone smoothly and things didn't end especially well at either Barcelona (in his second spell) or Bayern – in fact, it took an incredible 2008/09 season with the relatively modest AZ to build him back up after the former. Can he seize the day at Old Trafford?

Here's some classic Louisball for you

It's a lovely team goal from that wonderful Ajax side of his. They....just...keep the ball under control in some thoroughly ridiculous areas and then – bang – the counter-attack is lethal.

He's already been made to feel at home...

Nobody ever created a likeness of LvG (I know, but time's of the essence) back in the Netherlands, did they? Not even with their native tulip! So Manchester has stolen a march here, although his face needs a few more of those red speckles to match its shade during Holland v Mexico.

Nick will be here shortly.