These are tough times all round. Politicians' husbands are forced to pay for their own bongo; Madonna can't even bring light into an African child's life , and poor L'il Mickey Owen can't play the horses no more. But spare a thought for the rumour mongers in international week. Fabricated tittle-tattle about footballers leaving one club for another club are about as scarce as custard in Kent. It's all: "Frank said his leisure-shirt is too scratchy", "Capello is brill says Wayne", and "Bent can beat Beckham's caps record, he's that good, says everyone". Etc ... etc ... and so forth.

So once again we're scratching around at the bottom of the custard tins of Whitstable to bring you these globules of gunk. One of them features news that Nottingham Forest are trying to sign the MK Dons midfielder Peter Leven for £1m. See if you can spot it.

On the positive side, Cesc Fábregas is doing his bit, adding his own grist to the Mill, with claims that Real Madrid tapped him up in 2007. He hasn't said he's going, he hasn't even told Madrid he's going, not even just to get them off the phone. But hell, the merest whiff is good enough for us these days: Cesc Fábregas is going to Real Madrid!

In what might be a tittle-for-tattle strike on Spain, Rafael Benítez has been making eyes at Barcelona's Samuel Eto'o, reckoning £18m might be enough to secure his services, and £28m in wages should keep him at Anfield for four years. Meanwhile, suits at Hertha Berlin will splash £4m to make Andriy Voronin's move to Germany permanent.

Sunderland are looking elsewhere for their daily bread: Zak Whitbread, to be precise, who they hope to snaffle from Millwall ahead of West Brom and Blackburn.

Florent Malouda wants to stay at Chelsea, despite supposed interest from Juventus and Roma. But John Utaka is busy scratching the words "Done One" into his locker at Fratton Park, and is bobbing off to Bordeaux for £7m.

Leicester City will bid £2m for "Swindon sensation" Simon Cox, Coventry City reckon that the same fee should get them the Hearts winger Andrew Driver and Nottingham Forest are trying to sign the MK Dons midfielder Peter Leven for £1m.

Finally, QPR are going to eject Paulo Sousa from their head coach's seat, forcing him to sit in the corner and watch Iain Dowie, Paul Ince, Gary Johnson or Roberto Di Matteo make a hash of managing the west Londoners instead.

And there's still no custard in Kent.

What'ya got? Stick it in the comments box below.