It has been a busy 90-odd days since the close of the last Premier League season. John Terry lost his footing and missed a penalty for Chelsea, handing Manchester United the Champions League; Cristiano Ronaldo lost his sense of proportion, comparing his life at Old Trafford to that of a slave after being refused a transfer to Real Madrid; Michael Ballack just lost, a lot – both the Champions League final and the Euro 2008 final, his Germany side defeated by Fernando Torres's and Cesc Fabregas's Spain. And Joey Barton was sentenced to jail (twice, once suspended).
Busy, but strangely lacking in transfer sensation. No summer-drunk signings of players who excited in the Euros and, with Ronaldo still bound in United-red shackles as we go to press, the biggest cheque book zinger has been Manchester City's £19m for Brazilian striker Jo, one of just a handful of fresh faces.
What else will be different this season? Benches will get a little warmer, with a rule-change allowing teams to name seven substitutes rather than five (though managers can still make only three changes). Aston Villa will do a Barcelona and put a charity, Acorns Children's Hospice , on the front of their shirts. Match balls will be the T90 Omni from Nike, but there will be no Jens Lehmann, now at Stuttgart , to complain about them.
The league itself promises fewer surprises. When one of Everton, Villa, Tottenham, Newcastle or Portsmouth disappoint in their attempt to breach the top four, we can at least expect the points battle between United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal to be a tight one should the recent trend continue. Mid-table floundering awaits chug-a-longs such as Middlesb rough and West Ham, while the three promoted teams will likely hopscotch around the relegation line with last season's escapees, Fulham, Bolton and Sunderland. Elsewhere, Rafa Benitez will be criticised for rotating his squad, Steve Bruce will start a complaint about referees by insisting that he never complains about referees, Gareth Southgate will be 'proud of the boys today', long-range shots from unlikely players will win Goal of the Month, and a clutch of managers will lose their jobs by Christmas. Bring on 16 August!
The new boys
Bottom-placed Derby County won just 11 points last season – a record Premier League low. Beating that total will be the first priority for this season's three promoted coaches: Phil Brown of Hull, Stoke's Tony Pulis and West Brom's Tony Mowbray. None has Premier League experience, but Mowbray has established a reputation for producing entertaining, attractive football, Brown helped Sam Allardyce establish Bolton as top-flight incumbents after their promotion to the Premier League in 2001, and Pulis has never been relegated in 16 years of management.
Bloody (good) foreigners: four to look out for
Jô, Man City, striker
The zippy 21-year-old Brazilian was signed from CSKA Moscow and so shouldn't have any difficulty adapting to matches in winter.
Samir Nasri, Arsenal, midfield
Another Frenchman joins Arsène Wenger, this one a n £11m midfielder from Marseille who has been likened to Zidane.
Jonàs Gutiérrez Newcastle, winger
The Argentinian signed from Real Mallorca is called 'Spiderman', because he pulls on the superhero's mask after scoring.
Giovani Dos Santos, Tottenham, striker
Spurs' £4.7m Mexican forward spent most of last season as a sub at Barcelona, but scored a hat-trick against Real Murcia in May.
Holding the cards
The Premier League has appointed its youngest-ever referee: Stuart Attwell is 25 and has only one year's experience in League football. Recognition of unusual whistle-talent or a PR stunt to interest more youngsters in a career as a ref? We should know more after Stu has his first on-field 'discussion' with Terry or Rooney.