Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear ... West Ham footballer Luis Boa Morte, US president Barack Obama, Hollywood hillbilly Billy Bob Thornton, BBC newsreader Kate Silverton, gravity-challenged US Olympian Mary Decker-Slaney, slightly out-of-breath jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong and equally expired romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley ... happy birthday to you.
With no shortage of famous folk set to blow out candles on cakes all over the world today, the Rumour Mill spent the last few days deep underground in the Guardian archives department peering at little tubes of microfiche before deciding not to bother opening them, so we look to the internet instead in our bid to find out what else of interest happened on this day in history.
Did you know, for example, that George Washington became a master mason on this day in 1753, while 4 August is also the aniversary of Anne Frank complaining so loudly about breaking the nib of the pencil she was using to write her diary, that Nazi soldiers heard her grumbling, went to investigate and found her family in that Amsterdam attic. Racing driver Juan Fangio won his final race, capturing the world driving championship for the fifth consecutive year on this day in 1957, while today is also the 26th anniversary of New York Yankee star Dave Winfield being arrested for "causing unnecessary suffering to an animal" after accidentally killing a seagull during a warm-up. Luckily, tomorrow is the 26th anniversary of the charges being dropped, which means the outfielder, once the highest-paid player in baseball history, didn't end up doing bird.
The Rumour Mill can only hope that future generations of football speculation peddlars struggling badly for a hook on which to hang their daily column end up commemorating this as the date in history that Liverpool midfielder Xabi Alonso finally signed for Real Madrid. Although the clubs are believed to have reached an £8m impasse over their valuation of the player, the transfer is almost certain to go through and different reports have the Merseysiders agreeing a deal in principle with Roma to take £25m-rated Alberto Aquilani as a replacement for the Spaniard. Elsewhere, the agent of the Standard Liège midfielder Steven Defour claims his client is in the frame to go to whichever of the two clubs ends up Alonso-less.
It would be predictable, uninspired and downright lazy to introduce a snippet of transfer speculation linking the Porto striker Hulk with a lame gag about Chelsea's Premier League rivals turning green with envy now that it's emerged that Roman Abramovich is considering paying the £40m buy-out clause on the contract of the Brazilian, so that's exactly what we've done. Now it's time to move swiftly along to the snippet in the Sun linking Chelsea's occasionally inspired Ivorian international Salomon Kalou with an £8m move to Arsenal.
The news that the Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger is also interested in buying Toulouse striker and last season's Ligue 1 top-scorer André-Pierre Gignac will come as a relief to Gooners everywhere, many of whom were beginning to despair of their manager being linked with the purchase of anything more interesting than a newspaper, a pint of milk or a loaf of bread this summer.
Meanwhile in Spain ... or Italy ... or the Netherlands ... or wherever he happens to be at the moment, Wesley Sneijder's agent has been accosting bewildered passers-by on the street, telling them that the Real Madrid midfielder is not – repeat not – going to Internazionale. With Aston Villa also chasing the Dutchman, this will come as good news for Martin O'Neill ... at least until he realises that a footballer who isn't interested in upping sticks and moving to Milan, is unlikely to fancy living in Birmingham.
Having been told that he doesn't feature in the plans of the Benfica manager Jorge Jesus, American wunderkind Freddy Adu, 38, has been hawking himself around the Eredivisie ... not that he's prepared to play for just anyone, mind. "I do not say that I want to [go to] Ajax and Feyenoord," he said. "In that respect I am not picky. I would find it wonderful if I could get a chance at NAC Breda and FC Groningen. Anywhere." If your five-a-side team's a man down and no one else can help ... and you can find him, why not call the Adu-team?
According to the Daily Mail, Hull City are "eyeing" the Celta Vigo striker Kamel Ghilas, a disturbing turn of phrase that for some reason conjures up images of Phil Brown wearing a very short silk kimono, that we don't really need infiltrating our head at the best of times, let alone this early in the morning.
And finally, today's Sun reveals that Emmanuel Adebayor has bought Ronaldo's old love-shack in Alderly Edge, Cheshire, for £5.5m after outbidding his new team-mates Kolo Touré, Gareth Barry, and Carlos Tevez, not to mention the Manchester United winger Antonio Valencia. And to think some people labour under the delusion that Premier League footballers suffer from a stunning lack of originality, eh?
That's yer lot, then. Now you can get on with the fun ...
