Here are your teams, Cesc Fábregas is out, along with Denilson. Aaron Ramsey starts.
Portsmouth: Begovic, Finnan, Kaboul, Ben-Haim, Hreidarsson,
Yebda, Mokoena, Hughes, Belhadj, Boateng, Piquionne. Subs: Ashdown, Diop, Brown, Utaka, Vanden Borre, Kanu, Wilson.
Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Traore, Ramsey, Song Billong, Diaby, Nasri, Eduardo, Arshavin. Subs: Fabianski,
Rosicky, Vela, Silvestre, Wilshere, Merida, Eastmond.
Referee: Alan "Alan Wiley" Wiley (Staffordshire)
Apologies if tonight's commentary is even more shambolic than usual. I was under the impression that we were doing the United game until an eagle-eyed Rob Smyth pointed out they're not on telly tonight. Still, Old Trafford/Fratton Park, it's all basically the same.
Of course, Pompey have a few problems off the field, so hopefully they won't have been sold for scrap by the end of tonight's action. I would have written a 6,000 word essay on their financial problems but, as I say, I thought I was covering the United game tonight. I do know loads about Rome's relations with the Parthian Empire in the early 1st century AD though, so feel free to ask any questions about that.
1 min: And we're off. Does anyone have a less inspiring New Year's in store than me? I get to work at 8am on New Year's Day which means I may not even get to watch people standing round awkwardly at midnight on Jools Holland's Hootananny.
2 min: The crowd is in fine voice despite Pompey's Financial Nightmare (TM). They even get to cheer an early thrust as Piquionne chases a long ball.
3 min: Hughes nicks the ball off Ramsey, but despite a decent amount of possession, Pompey can't find an opening.
5 min: Song crunches Piquionne as he races down the left-wing - it's a good tackle and it needed to be as the striker was moving into a decent amount of space. Arsenal have produced little so far.
7 min: Pompey are pressing Arsenal whenever they have the ball, meaning the chances of elaborate passing moves ending in a rubbish finish are virtually nil.
10 min: Hughes's shot is deflected and falls to Piquionne, who is offside. Seconds later Boateng charges 30-yards to slam a shot in that Almunia palms away. "How about this for a rather uninspiring NYE," says Luke Martin, who signs his emails with an x. " I'm eschewing a house party in West Yorkshire in order to avoid people I no-longer like, and heading back to my student house (with a broken boiler) to maximise the amount of time I can spend in the library over the next few weeks. Meanwhile, my current girlfriend has just set for a few days in Berlin. Brilliant." Yep, a house party in West Yorkshire sounds like the event of the season.
11 min: Now it's Arshavin's turn to do a bit of charging although he mixes it with some dancing and a shot that flies a loooooooooong way over. A long way.
13 min: Corner to Arsenal. Vermaelen patrols the box looking as menacing as you can if you have high cheekbones. Boateng clears. "Is it just me, or have Portsmouth been on Sky pretty much every week recently," asks Gary Naylor. "It's that bloody bell and drum again!!" Maybe Sky are showing them while they still can.
16 min: Arsenal have come in to the game more now and enjoy a few more corners that Pompey deal with competently. "Re: the Parthian question. Would that be the city of Rome or the empire of Rome?" wonders Peter Richards. Why? Have you got specific questions about the Rome-the-city relations as opposed to Rome-the-empire relations? If so, you've been thinking about Parthia too much.
17 min: Arsenal's best chance. A superb cross in from the right that Eduardo flashes across goal. I'm legally obliged to say he would have buried that pre-Martin Taylor.
19 min: Eduardo puts in a fine cross and Diaby (who can finish) fires in a snapshot that Begovic does well to save. "This decade has seen me go from hanging out with a hip crowd to hanging out with a crowd with artificial hips," sighs Ted Lee from his prosthetics workshop. "So I'll be spending New Year's Eve at a place that serves nothing stronger than coffee, it hopes that we'll be able to stay awake long enough to ring in the New Year's, slam down alcohol-free bubbly, sing Auld Lang Syne, and stagger to our cars before we fall completely asleep."
22 min: Pompey jab aimlessly at Arsenal with a kind of counter attack that relieves a little bit of pressure. An actual Parthia question! "Wasn't the Parthian Empire something of a tricky away fixture for the Romans," asks Rai Skrupskis. Certainly was Rai, it pretty much cost Crassus his job as a top flight Roman general. Mainly because he got killed.
24 min: Piquionne is free but then falls over. Moral of the story: don't fall over if your team is bottom of the league and you get a chance to score against a team of wily geniuses. "Getting to work for 8am never stopped me from going out when I was a young man - just go straight from the party, no one will notice at work," says Mike Boyle in his string vest. True, my work-rate can't get much worse that usual. "But then again, men were men then; and football was played with a proper ball and boots and no one had ever heard of a metatarsal."
GOAL! Portsmouth 0-1 Arsenal (Eduardo 27min) Eduardo shapes up to take a free-kick around 27.3 yards out. It takes a wicked deflection and bobbles past Hreidarsson on the line. That bloody bell is still ringing in the crowd though. The bell won't help you, Pompey.
30 min: Hreidarsson raced from the wall to the line for that free-kick and then didn't bother to clear the ball. Eduardo is looking groggy on the sideline, possibly because he's shocked at scoring.
33 min: Piquionne, who has been lively all night, turns Song inside out and crosses but the resulting shot is blocked. Belhadj then unleashes a wicked, skimming shot past Almunia's left post. "Excuse my ignorance, but where was Parthia," says James Blishen. Well, it was kind of Iraq is now. Luckily when Rome got a spanking by the Parthians, it taught western powers never to mess around in that part of the world again.
36 min: Pompey are committing plenty of men forward and aren't cowed by the fact that Arsenal have been slicing and dicing them for the last 10 minutes or so.
39 min: Gallas nearly dithers long enough to let Piquionne in on goal but eventually gets it back to Almunia.
GOAL! Portsmouth 0-2 Arsenal (Nasri 41min) A rare technical mistake from Arshavin as he misplaces his pass after intercepting a Pompey ball in midfield. Arsenal had plenty of men to expolit that too. Then Nasri attacks down the right but his cross sails over Eduardo. A few seconds later Pompey give Arsenal the time to make three easy passes across the box that Nasri eventually buries.
44 min: Pompey had shown admirable spirit after they went down but that goal was farcical. They just stopped and stared as Arsenal worked it across the box and three players had possession within 10 yards of goal with no meaningful challenge going in.
45 min: United are 2-0 up against Wigan, by the way. Two minutes of added time at Fratton Park.
45 min +2: Mokoena gets a booking and will miss Pompey's next game. Arsenal get a few more hours off in the Pompey box but Arshavin's cross comes to nothing.
Half-time and Parthia round-up "I have a question about Parthia," says Nick Dunkeyson. "What factors enabled the Parthian Empire to establish themselves as the major rising power in the East in the last century BC, as opposed to, say, the Armenians, the Seleucids or the Kingdom of Pontus?" Well, the Parthians had excellent light cavalry, allowing them to fire from horseback. Very tough to deal with at the highest level. Plus, the Seleucids suffered from shin splints.
"Didn't Crassus suffer execution by having molten gold poured down his throat," asks Brad Wilson. "Perhaps a fitting metaphor for Pompey's financial nightmare -- overreaching and greed?" Topical and learned, I like it.
"So what led to the Romans going there? Regime change?" says Matt Smith. "Were the Parthians rumoured to be able to launch a really big spear within 45 minutes? or, y'know, hand on heart, did Crassus just really believe he was doing the right thing?" It was all about the olive oil, Matt.
I've often considered Asmir Begovic to be a modern day Parthamaspates but never had anybody with whom to discuss the matter.
Here's Colin Greer. "As you know, Parthamaspates was born in Parthia but spent his early years in Rome. He returned to homeland and was placed on the Parthian throne (by Trajan) in 116. Eventually, however, he returned to Rome after the Roman withdrawal from Parthia.
"Begovic was born in Bosnia but spent his early years in Canada. He originally played for the Canadian youth team but opted to return to his homeland to represent Bosnia in the recent WC qualifiers (he received an official cap, playing the last minute of a match versus Armenia.)
"Seeing as FIFA constantly tweak the rules for cap-tied players, do you think there is there any possibility that he might return to the Canadian ranks (if he fails to earn anymore than his 60 second cap), much as Parthamaspates returned to the Roman ranks?" Are you a real person, Greer? If you know all that off the top of your head you are one of the great minds of the 21st century.
46 min: Arsenal kick off. A note from a Saints fan, as if Pompey needed it. "May I say, as a Scummer, I hope that Pompey's miserable onfield season continues with them losing this and every other game in the most humiliating manner possible, while also conveying my sincere hope that they survive as a club," says John Donnelly. "Like Saints, they can hardly say they haven't brought current circumstances on themselves through a combination of greed and mismanagement, but it's still a miserable position to be in. In that respect, all the best for the club, its employees and the fans. I hope it works out and they find a way of staying afloat."
48 min: Pompey remember to defend and charge down Arshavin's shot in the box. All they need to do now is remember how to attack and they could lose this game 2-1. "What exactly is it that an MBMer does workwise at 8am on New Years Day," asks Paul Simpson. "Based on the amount of insight and analysis that is usually provided, it wouldn't seem to be preparation for any upcoming games." Wrong. We do loads of research. Do you think I learned about Parthia at school?
51 min: Some Arsenal fans sing bad things about Emmanuel Adebayor. Pompey launch an attack but give the ball away laughably and are lucky Eduardo shoots over.
53 min: Finnan crosses, Boateng air-kicks and Belhadj sends in another cutting shot that goes wide.
55 min: Arsenal sky another free-kick. "We've only got one Song" chant the Arsenal fans and Martin Tyler chuckles. I didn't think Sky was for people that actually go to games.
57 min: Mokoena is off for Vanden Borre. Here's Chris Ballard: "This is a bit deep and learnéd for a MBM commentary from Portsmouth, isn't it? What about the usual riffs, like footballers named after chocolate bars, or best looking WAGs? I feel like I've stumbled in to the wrong lecture hall at University, and rather than being where I intended to be – cowering at the back of a dark lecture hall pretending to listen to the professor talk about the positive impact woolen socks have had on western podiatry – I've instead turned left and found myself in a place where actual knowledge and intelligence is required. Poor show." Erm, Cheryl Cole is well fit. Andrey Arshavin looks like a Snickers.
60 min: Song attempts a pass to Diaby but connects with the corner flag instead. Pompey then have an actual shot on target as Yebda's effort is saved by Almunia.
62 min: Pompey attempt a long ball but Vermaelen clears easily with his head. Even the bell tolls rather feebly.
64 min: United are 4-0 up against Wigan. 9-1 anyone? Pompey continue to press but not very firmly, like a rookie pastry chef moulding a croissant.
67 min: Arshavin wins a corner for Arsenal. "I used to look forward to the Hootenanny each year until I found out it was pre-recorded and thus it's all a conceit," says Mark Thorogood. "And then I found out that if you wait for the midnight bongs by watching satellite telly there's about a seven second delay and by then it's too late and everyone else in the street is already blowing hooters. So New Year's Eve has now become a double whammy of disappointment."
GOAL! Portsmouth 0-3 Arsenal (Ramsey 69min)Ramsey wins the ball, around 30 yards out turns a few defenders then curls the ball into the net. That was good enough for me to make a disturbing orgasmic noise that everyone else in the office had the good grace to ignore.
71 min: Don't worry Pompey fans, Kanu is on. And Rosicky is on for Eduardo.
GOAL! NOT FOR ARSENAL! GOOD OLD KANU! Portsmouth 1-3 (Belhadj 74min) Belhadj is presented with the ball around eight-yards out and he stabs it past Almunia. Game on. Ish.
77 min: Almunia misses a cross with one of his punches but Arsenal clear. "Re 57min: The best looking 'Whig' was definitely Charles James Fox. Well hot," chortles Colin Greer. I'm more of a William Pulteney man. Great teeth.
79 min: "Just over 10 minutes left," says Martin Tyler corrrectly. I would have liked a little more hustle from Pompey after their goal.
GOAL! Portsmouth 1-4 Arsenal (Song 80min)GOAL! Portsmouth 1-4 Arsenal (Song 80min)Song powers home a lovely header. Yep, a wee bit more hustle would have been nice.
83 min: Apologies if there are a few delays here. The tools are effing up, I think it's something to do with our stats feed. I did a wee bit of work with tech types once so I know what the error messages mean, I just don't know how to repair them. Sorry. Eastmond is on for Nasri.
86 min: Eastmond is approximately 13-years-old, by the way, making me think Arsenal are confident of victory. "With his new Harmony Hairspray look, is Tomas Rosicky the most girlie looking player in the Prem," asks Gary Naylor. "Just ahead of Luca Modric and Paris Hilton lookalike, Fernando Torres. God - I should get out more shouldn't I?" He's no William Pulteney.
88 min: Oh, and Eastmond almost sets up a goal for Vela who miscues. United are 5-0 up, Valencia scores against his old side. Expect Eastmond to come on for them soon.
89 min: Eastmond update: he clears a Pompey attack. Is there nothing this lad can't do? Tech update: an unexpected error occurs with our ESA feed. If only Eastmond was here, he could repair it.
90 min: Four minutes of added time.
90 min + 2min: Piquionne shoots into the side netting. Pompey will be bottom at the start of 2010.
90 min +4: Arsenal stroll about like a team who are 4-1 up. Pompey stagger about like a team who are 4-1 down. "Come on, we all know that the hottest Whig was Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire (and not the Keira Knightley version!) who gave out kisses for votes at the Westminster election. Does Cheryl Cole do that," demands Charles Littleton. "Sorry I cannot hand out equal insights about Parthia - except just to hope Pompey doesn't have a last-minute 'Parthian shot' at Arsenal."
PEEEP!!!!!!!Arsenal complete a comfortable victory. Portsmouth were admirable though and completed keenly despite their off the field problems. For a live league table (that takes the United game as a result) click here. It's looking like one of three for the title in 2010.
