Just have a look at some of these names: Danny Maddix, Andy Impey, Mark Brazier, Ian Holloway, Bradley Allen of the Allen Family, Danny Dichio, Dimitri Kharine, Dimtri Kharine's tracksuit bottoms, Eddie Newton, Andy Myers, Paul Furlong, John Spencer, Dan Petrescu, Ruud Gullit. Those are just some of the players who took part the last time these two sides met in the league at Loftus Road. In many ways, this was a better, more innocent time. Neither side was up to much, Chelsea's foreign revolution only just whirring into motion and QPR on their way to relegation from the Premier League. Rangers, of course, had been hit hard by the sale of Les Ferdinand to Newcastle the previous summer, which meant they had to rely on Danny Dichio to score their goals. You do the math(s). Anyway the date was 2 January 1996, Michael Jackson's Earth Song was top of the charts, there were some cracking haircuts on that day's episode of Countdown, football still hadn't come home and Paul Furlong's goal earned Chelsea a 2-1 win at QPR.
Plenty has happened to the two sides since then; plenty of it good for Chelsea and bad for QPR. You presumably don't require a potted history of events at Stamford Bridge. Suffice to say, much of it is centred around some smiling, mute Russian guy buying them in 2003. As for QPR, they've been bought out roughly 473 times, had a similar number of managers, relegated to League One, lost a play-off final, promoted back to the Championship, before finally getting back to the Premier League this season. It's been a long 15 years, in which time Chelsea have won the league three times and much else besides (you don't need the potted history but can have it anyway). The sides' paths have rarely crossed since then.
There have been two meetings in the cups at Stamford Bridge, both won 1-0 by Chelsea, but nothing in the league until today. QPR have already had a warm-up west London derby this season and it didn't go too well, the match ending in a 6-0 humiliation at the hands of Fulham. If we assume that Chelsea are three times better than QPR, it's going to be 18-0 today.
Ok, so a slight exaggeration there. But QPR are yet to win at home. No better time than the present and all that, but only the hopelessly deluded would expect that to change today. In Chelsea's last away game, they put five past Bolton, who put four past QPR. Sure, the Loftus Road pitch is tight and the atmosphere will be charged, but it's nothing Chelsea haven't seen before. They're starting to click under the magnificent Andre Villas-Boas now, even if they're not quite reaching the Barcelona standards Frank Lampard reckons they are. Put it this way: it's Fitz Hall and Anton Ferdinand v Didier Drogba, Danny Sturridge and Juan Mata.
Here are your teams. Yes, that is Heidar Helguson up front for QPR.
QPR: Kenny, Young, Ferdinand, Hall, Hill; Wright-Phillips, Barton, Derry, Faurlin, Taarabt; Helguson. Subs: Murphy, Orr, Bothroyd, Mackie, Buzsaky, Smith, Puncheon.
Chelsea: Cech; Bosingwa, Luiz, Terry, Cole; Meireles, Mikel, Lampard; Sturridge, Drogba, Mata. Subs: Turnbull, Ivanovic, Romeu, Malouda, McEachran, Kalou, Anelka.
Referee: Chris Foy (Merseyside)
Ed Chamberlain has just said that QPR v Chelsea is a "relatively new rivalry". Really? It's not as if both clubs have just been invented. Ignore that open goal.
The first email of three. "LOVE those team selections," says Paul Taylor. "It's obvious that both managers, with many years of experience in hand, have carefully looked at their players to see who's healthy and who's on form and who needs a boost, have studied their opponents' likely selection and strategy, have considered team needs for upcoming ties, have put together a solid game-day strategy for a win or draw as appropriate, and have selected the eleven lads who are best suited to attain, in sum, all these goals. What mere observer could question such wisdom?"
Chelsea's away kit looks like something out of Tron. It's horrendous.
The teams are out on the pitch. Football's on its way. We haven't had any for 30 minutes!
1 min: David Luiz walks around touching his team-mates before we can start. Does HR know? Chelsea, attacking from left to right, get us going at a rocking Loftus Road. It's noisy in there when the fans get going. Terrible view wherever you stand sit though. Chelsea threaten straight away, Sturridge playing a one-two with Drogba, before dragging a low shot just wide of the left post. That was so easy for Chelsea and an instant warning for QPR. "Stick a chevron on that Chelsea kit and they wouldn't look out of place in Ligue 1," says Philippa Booth. "That bad. Wonder if this can outdo the derby?" You mean this isn't the derby? Oh. I've been overlooked again.
3 min: Chelsea have started very much on the front foot. Drogba goes over a tackle by Derry, drawing derision from the home crowd.
4 min: Derry makes up for giving away the free-kick by ensuring Luiz, who'd made a clever run round the back of the QPR defence, couldn't get on to Lampard's straight chip forward. Chelsea don't look like they'll need too long.
5 min: Wright-Phillips has been deployed on the left for QPR. Did you know he'll be 30 shortly? There are some footballers you think will always be young. Him, Joe Cole... "Looking at those team sheets I reckon QPR could be on the receiving end of an almighty shellacking - the likes of which haven't been seen since... well, the last 45 or so mins,: says Max Umeh. "Hope I'm wrong."
7 min: Apparently QPR were a long-ball disgrace against Blackburn last week, but they're playing the ball about nicely on the floor at the moment. On the left, Taarabt cleverly spins away from Mikel, who brings him down.
8 min: Taarabt's free-kick from left to right is miserably over-hit and Cech strolls out to claim it. Up the other end, Sturridge nutmegs his marker with a pass through to Meireles, who had unfortunately run the wrong away.
9 min: PENALTY TO QPR!! David Luiz is an utter liability. This is utterly pointless, the Brazilian needlessly bumping into the back of Helguson, who needed no second invitation to go down,
THIS WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!! QPR 1-0 Chelsea (Helguson pen, 10 min): After a brief set-to between Taarabt and Helguson over who would take the penalty, rather like Frank Lampard and Paolo Di Canio against Bradford in 2000, the spot-kick is finally taken. Having won the argument with the combustible Moroccan, Helguson made his point emphatically, sending the ball high into the left corner with his right boot. Cech got a hand to it, but couldn't keep it out.
12 min: David Luiz always has the potential to do something so clownish. Maybe it comes with the territory of that haircut. He nearly did it again to Helguson just now. Villas-Boas will have to take him off at this rate.
13 min: QPR took the lead against Blackburn last week. They didn't keep it for too long. "AVB's quiet revolution shouldn't let us forget Michael Essien," says Niall Mullen. "In my humble one, the best midfielder in the league for the past 6 years. Here's hoping he kicks a ball again, though it doesn't sound promising."
14 min: Clint Hill's slip allows a loose pass to reach Sturridge on the right. He shifts it on to his left foot, but Hill recovers to deflect the shot behind for a corner, which is headed away. The ball falls to Lampard 25 yards from goal, but he blazes a volley miles over the bar, though Ray Wilkins congratulates him for hitting it "as sweet as a nut". Are nuts sweet? I don't really eat them. I don't have them down as sweets.
16 min: Didier Drogba is down holding his shoulder. I fancy he'll be ok to continue. "Lille have put up a video where Joe Cole interviews himself, which is rather sweet," says Philippa Booth. "His French is not awful." I see French life has turned Our Joe all post-modern.
18 min: Mata swings in another corner from the right, but Chris Foy blows for a foul by Mikel on Helguson. There's a pleasing amount of needle in this game.
19 min: "Remind us why Essien is so good again?" says Harry Tuttle. "Without resorting to the sort of euphemisms that justify the likes of Wilkins and Mikel. I honestly can't think of any match he has dominated. Any great goal, any defence-splitting pass, any well-timed challenge, even. He seems like a wardrobe on wheels, Yaya Toure without the finesse." Come off it. He was frighteningly good until his knees packed up on him.
20 min: Ashley Cole whelps a low shot a few yards wide of Kenny's left post from 25 yards out. The zip has gone from Chelsea's game since the penalty. They're flat. It's as if they miss Fernando Torres.
22 min: David Luiz theatrically tumbles to the ground in the QPR penalty area with Wright-Phillips nearby, trying to make amends for his earlier error. Chris Foy waves his appeals away.
23 min: Frank Lampard trots over to take a corner from the right and engages in some "banter" with some lively QPR fans down that end. That looked pleasant, though Lampard mostly just laughed at their taunts. He whips the corner to the near post, where David Luiz - it's all David Luiz - heads well wide.
24 min: This is not going to plan for Chelsea. A lovely piece of skill from Drogba wheedles out space for the shot from 25 yards out. It goes out for a throw-in. A touch of the Carlton Coles from Drogba there. QPR are bang up for this now, and although it's mostly Chelsea dominating possession, they're not really going anywhere with it.
26 min: This Chelsea performance wouldn't be out of place in a Laurel and Hardy sketch. Under little pressure in the middle of the park, Raul Meireles comically falls over and then handles the ball. QPR are annoyed with Chris Foy as well, as the referee blew for the handball instead of playing the advantage. There was a break on for QPR.
28 min: Now this is better from Chelsea, probably because it's the first time Juan Mata has been involved. QPR foolishly stand off him, and the Spaniard scoops a delightful pass over the top of their defence, but it just skips ahead of Lampard's trademark late run. "A reminder for Harry Tuttle," says Samuel Zakowski, offering this and this.
29 min: QPR haven't actually been in Chelsea's half that much. Now they are, but Barton's free-kick from the right is headed away. "On a bad day for the man it's surely right that we acknowledge the fact that, despite all his achievements in football, surely Ferguson's crowning glory is getting £12 million for not having to find something for Mikkel to do while there is a football match going on around him," parps Emmett Keane.
31 min: Cheers from the QPR fans as their side strings around three passes together in a row. This will end badly.
32 min: Wright-Phillips nearly makes something out of nothing, skittering on to a bouncing ball on the edge of the Chelsea box, knocking it away from Terry and then skewing a volley high and wide from 20 yards out. He couldn't get over it unfortunately. Up the other end, Paddy Kenny is yet to make a save. Who would have predicted that.
33 min: JOSE BOSINGWA IS SENT OFF!! This is superb play from Adel Taarabt, who drifts pass a couple of challenges and then prods a great pass through to Wright-Phillips, who has the run of Bosingwa. The Chelsea right-back panics and wraps his arm around Wright-Phillips, bringing him down just outside the area. With no Chelsea defender nearby, Chris Foy flashes the red card without hesitation. John Terry takes the decision in typically mature fashion.
34 min: From the resulting free-kick, Taarabt curls it over the wall and towards the top-right corner, but Cech reads it all the way, although there was another heart-in-the-mouth moment as he nearly spills it, before gathering the ball at the second attempt.
36 min: Villas-Boas is forced to sacrifice Sturridge for Branislav Ivanovic, who will go to right-back. Ray Wilkins thinks the red card was harsh. I disagree. It wasn't a goalscoring opportunity because Wright-Phillips was denied one by Bosingwa.
38 min: Drogba has been anonymous so far, which probably means something outstanding is about to happen. He's been easily shackled by Ferdinand and Hall though, a partnership which sounds a bit like a law firm.
39 min: Meireles suddenly finds himself in a bit of space 25 yards from goal, but pings his low drive a few yards wide of the left post.
40 min: "Any idea why Mikel gets little appreciation on MBM blogs?" asks Max Umeh. "He does his job efficiently enough, managers from Mourinho to AVB select him regularly, sure he could score more goals but he does his main job well enough. Not every player can do the Stevie Gerrard all-action headless chicken routine." It's mainly because his game doesn't really lend itself to praise on the minute-by-minutes.
41 min: CHELSEA ARE DOWN TO NINE MEN!! DIDIER DROGBA IS THE SECOND TO GO!! And he can have no complaints about this. He lost control of the ball and then lost his head just as quickly, launching himself into a terrible two-footed tackle on Taarabt's shins. Ouch. QPR can hardly believe their luck.
43 min: While Drogba was walking off, it looked like Mikel was having a go at him. Drogba didn't take too kindly to that and put his finger to his lips. Villas-Boas has a few problems here.
45 min: If QPR contrive to throw this away, they should never be allowed to play a game of Association Football again. Juan Mata is currently playing up front for Chelsea.
45 min+1: There will be two minutes of stoppage time. Can Chelsea fit in another red card?
45 min+2: Chelsea make their second substitution: Juan Mata fell awkwardly on his shoulder and is replaced by Nicolas Anelka.
Peep! Peep! March 1995. The last time QPR beat Chelsea, a Kevin Gallen header doing the job. They surely can't mess this one up. The half time whistle is greeted by cheers from the QPR fans and boos from the Chelsea fans, which were hopefully directed at their own team rather than the officials, who have had an exemplary game.
Half time: QPR 1-0 Nine-man Chelsea. That was surreal.
46 min: Chelsea haven't had anyone else sent off during the break. Well done them! Given that QPR had two attacks in the first half, I wouldn't be surprised if this ends 1-0. Unless Chelsea decide to get all their players sent off. Ask Neil Warnock how to do it. "The reason Wright-Philips and Cole seem forever young is that when you subtract years spent rising the bench at Chelsea thy are still only about 23," says Martin Fergus in an email which drew a chuckle from me.
47 min: Wake up QPR! Taarabt cheaply concedes possession, Chelsea work the ball wide to Meireles on the right, and his cross is headed just wide by Lampard from close range. He claims a corner, insisting his header took a deflection on its way wide and he's right as well. His corner comes to nothing though. "OK I am biased as a Chelsea fan, but I can't believe you're suggesting there was not a doubt about any of those big decisions Mr. Foy has made!" says Brendan Large. "The penalty could've been a yellow to Helguson for his blatant dive, the Bosingwa SWP challenge was six and half a dozen with Terry covering in the middle and if you watch the replays, Drogba's two feet were toes first. It does seem a little like the ref likes to have all those cameras pointed at him." Is this satire?
49 min: Chelsea have started the second half brilliantly and it's QPR who look like they've got nine men. Ivanovic crosses from the right and Kenny punches clear. The pressure is only growing though. Anelka then picks up the ball and slips it through to Lampard, whose tame shot is deflected wide of the right post. QPR do not have a solitary clue.
50 min: QPR suddenly remember that they have two more players than Chelsea. Barton leads a raid up the right flank, knocks it inside to Taarabt, whose touch takes him past Mikel, who catches him late just outside the area. He's booked.
51 min: Faurlin sends the free-kick straight into the wall.
52 min: What a pair of clowns. From the right, Helguson slides a ball to the edge of the area. Taarabt runs on to it, ready to wallop it home, only to be buffeted of the ball by his own player, Luke Young, who was also trying to go for goal! They crash into each other and both crash to the floor. D'oh! Taarabt is furious. With team-mates like these... Moments later, Lampard and Derry have to be separated after a strong challenge from the latter. They're both booked.
54 min: They're friends again. Taarabt weights a super pass inside Cole for the onrushing Young. Through on goal, Young shows why he's a right-back by rolling his shot past the far post. He should have scored. "If the referee had got all his decisions right, shouldn't Derry be off the pitch by now?" says Alan Delaney. "He's fouled at least 4 times that could each have earned a yellow. The first red was very harsh, anyway you look at it. Drogba is a prize tool though." It's clever fouling - doing just enough to get away without a booking.
56 min: Terry tries to bend one into the far corner with his right foot from 25 yards out. Darren Fletcher, he ain't. "Isn't it a shame that Joey Barton's career didn't really coincide with Robbie Savage's?" says Paul Flower. "I'd love to have seen those two childishly wind each other up in the middle of the park. I often wonder how they would have outdone each other - wafting farts, wiping bogeys on each other, and name calling like two old professors on the Mary Whitehouse show."
58 min: Taarabt is fouled again, this time by Ivanovic, who can be pretty dirty when the mood takes him. He's booked. Surprisingly it's his first of the season. This isn't going to end 11 v 9.
59 min: Joey Barton is booke. L'inevitable, as he might say. "Not directly related to the game, but I just saw Boateng getting himself sent off in the Hannover vs Bayern Munich game in the Bundesliga after totally losing it," says Lukasz Markiewicz. "And they are 1-0 down after a penalty as well. Looks like Chelsea aren't the only big team suffering from a major meltdown today."
61 min: Cole plays a cracking one-two with Lampard, before racing in behind the QPR defence on the left. But he waits too long to either shoot or cross and when he does the latter, Barton gets back to block.
62 min: Tommy Smith comes on for Adel Taarabt, who storms straight down the tunnel. Who's on bus watch?
63 min: If Adel Taarabt was as good as he thinks he is, he wouldn't be playing for QPR. Chelsea have had 53% of possession in the second half. They've got nine men.
65 min: If Didier Drogba hadn't tackled so wildly, I reckon Chelsea would be winning this by now.
66 min: Luke Young breaks clear down the right and into the area. He could pick someone out or shoot, but instead he generously gives the ball back to Petr Cech. It was too easy for him.
67 min: Now Chelsea want a penalty. Cole puts a dreadful cross into the box from the left, the ball going straight to Kenny, but further back in the area Lampard had gone down after a push by a QPR defender. The replays aren't conclusive, but Chelsea are adamant. Meireles leads the protests, but Foy is having none of it.
68 min: This is fantastically engaging stuff. First John Terry squares up to Tommy Smith, picking on someone his own size as ever. Then David Luiz bumps into Helguson again with the ball in the air. He is rubbish.
70 min: At last David Luiz is booked for a trip on the left. It's getting to the point where Chelsea would be better off with eight men on the pitch.
72 min: IRONY ALERT! David Luiz has his head in his hands after going down in the area after a long throw. Helguson was all over him. That should have been a penalty for Chelsea. Foy says no and Meireles is booked for dissent. QPR stream forward with Chelsea all over the place at the back, but Barton's low skimmer fizzes wide of the left post from 18 yards out.
73 min: Florent Malouda comes on for Raul Meireles, Chelsea's last throw of the dice. "That John Terry, he could whine for England," says Richard Johnson. "Oh, wait..."
74 min: "Is it true, or just an urban legend, that if teams get enough players sent off then the match is abandoned and so presumably replayed subsequently?" says Ryan Dunne. "Heard this years ago, and it's always surprised me more teams (assuming the sending off figure was just 7 or so) never commit red card hari-kari. Has it ever happened in a major league (or here in Scotland?)." Of course it's true. You can play with seven men. After that, it gets abandoned and the points are awarded to the opposition. Surely you've heard of the Battle of Bramall Lane?
76 min: Ashley Cole will miss Chelsea's Carling Cup tie against Everton after picking up his fifth booking of the season for a foul on Joey Barton. Barton gets up, dusts himself off and then swings the free-kick to the far post, where Helguson arrives unmarked and sidefoots over the bar on the volley from six yards out. What a miss!
79 min: Ironic cheers from the Chelsea fans, as Foy blows for a free-kick against Hill on the right, Anelka the wounded party. Malouda curls the ball into the six-yard box and Ferdinand does magnificently to head clear with Terry putting him under severe pressure.
80 min: Chelsea might not get a better chance than this. Ivanovic lollops down the right flank unhindered and then lifts a fantastic cross into the six-yard box. Anelka peels in between Ferdinand and Hill but amazingly, he puts his header straight at Kenny. Anywhere but there!
82 min: Shaun Derry, who's had an eventful afternoon, limps off and is replaced by Jamie Mackie.
83 min: This is just getting silly now. How to make sense of this match? David Luiz can't defend, but he can attack. He marauds forward from the back, bursting past a number of challenges, before playing a pass through to Anelka. He's forced wide by Hall, who won't let him get the shot away despite Kenny being in no-man's land, but he manages to turn and chip a cross back to Luiz. The ball is behind him, but naturally he thinks nothing of it, launching himself into an acrobatic bicycle kick towards goal. It goes down and was probably going to be saved by Kenny, but hits the unwitting Lampard in the six-yard box on its way, looping up and inches over the bar.
86 min: QPR have been a shambles in the second half - but they're homing in on their first Premier League win at Loftus Road since 1996.
87 min: Wright-Phillips has two sighters from the left. The first is easily blocked by David Luiz, the second is wafted harmlessly over the top.
88 min: Chris Foy has a long, hard think about it but decides not to show David Luiz a second yellow card for a arm in Clint Hill's neck.
89 min: Paddy Kenny and John Terry are both booked after a row after the Chelsea captain had flattened the QPR goalkeeper as he cleared the ball. Neither man covered himself in glory there.
90 min: There will be five minutes of stoppage time.
90 min+1: Chances at both ends. First Wright-Phillips skedaddles down up the left, but his cutback is beaten out by Cech, who is grateful to see the ball drop to a Chelsea defender. Which allows them to attack. Malouda lofts the ball to the left side of the area. Unmarked, Cole tries to nod the ball down for Lampard in the six-yard box, but it's too close to Kenny.
90 min+3: This has been an object lesson in how not to play against nine men, but QPR look like getting away with it.
90 min+5: David Luiz is fouled on the right to give Chelsea one last chance. Villas-Boas orders Cech forward. This is too tense.
90 min+6: Cech nearly gets his head to it, but Kenny punches it away! The ball bounces out and there's the final whistle! Loftus Road erupts. QPR have beaten Chelsea! And who could have predicted that? Not me, that's for sure.
Adel Taarabt is back out on the pitch now. What a crazy match that was. Some of the players are continuing to argue after the final whistle, but all that matters is that QPR have beaten Chelsea. QPR nearly managed to throw it away against nine men, but just about held on. Chelsea can blame an insipid first half display, some craziness from David Luiz and Didier Drogba and Chris Foy ignoring what looked a clear penalty. They are now six points behind Manchester City, who'll be rather satisfied by what they've seen here. Thanks for reading. Bye.
