Truly, this world is a despicable place. How else to explain a time in which antique fans can't tune into their favourite shows without being titillated? In which Nigel Quashie can't complete a simple loan move to Birmingham? In which even the ponies must drink to forget?

Actually, the Mill was genuinely horrified by one headline this morning – the Daily Star's bewilderingly crass "BBC put Muslims before you!" – but let's face it, you didn't come here for a rant about bigotry. No, you came here looking for gossip, banter and maybe even Love. If you're after the sort that goes by the name of Wagner, your best bet might be to wait outside White Hart Lane, where the CSKA Moscow striker is expected to complete a £12m move the very moment we reach January.

Speaking of affairs of the heart, today's Sun reports that Madonna has been leaning on her "rock" – old flame Carlos Leon – to get her through her split with Guy Ritchie. Mark Hughes wants similar support from his old Roque Santa Cruz as he struggles to come to terms with Manchester City not being as good as he thought they were. Sparky will also sign David Villa for £77.8m in January. Because he can.

All of which makes a bit of a mockery of Randy Lerner's belief that a £30m transfer kitty will be enough to land Aston Villa a Champions League spot. Though not nearly as much of a mockery as Martin O'Neill's plan to spend said money on Kevin Doyle and Jermaine Pennant.

Elsewhere, Barcelona want Xabi Alonso, and if that deal goes through, Yaya Touré will take one look at Arsenal, then sign for Juventus instead. Also, Chelsea are sniffing round Internazionale striker Mario Balotelli and QPR have lowered their sights from Sunderland's Michael Chopra to Bolton's Heidar Helguson. And that's your lot.

Feel free to add your own better rumours below. Or just skip this bit entirely