Undeterred by the shenanigans that occurred on their last trip to sunny Spain, when Ed Woodward came home without Ander Herrera, Cesc Fábregas, Thiago Alcântara, Luka Modric or his luggage but with a burning sense of shame, rejection and a stream of toilet paper stuck to his expensive shoes instead, Manchester United are planning a return visit in January.

That's because David Moyes has earmarked Atlético Madrid's Koke, who has been hailed as the new Xavi, as the player to rejuvenate his spluttering midfield. Koke has an invitingly low release clause of £16m, so expect Moyes to um, ahhh, scratch his head, twiddle his fingers, see if Darron Gibson is available, have a sulk because Darron Gibson isn't available, wonder if Phil Neville could fill the yawning hole in United's centre, reminisce about Lee Carsley and Thomas Gravesen, call Lee Carsley for a catch-up, get no answer from Lee Carsley and then, finally, instruct Woodward to start the bidding for Koke at a gentleman's £8m and not a dime more! Even if those Spanish lawyers get involved. You don't want to appear weak or indecisive.

United are also mulling over a move for Desportivo's young Brazilian striker, Bruno Gomes, and are apparently leading the way for the 17-year-old, even though Real Madrid, São Paulo and Udinese are all interested in him as well. The Mill's campaign to get Gomes an English passport in time for the 2022 World Cup starts here.

Everyone thought that Borussia Dortmund's Robert Lewandowksi, fresh from carefully letting England off the hook, was off to Bayern Munich next season but then again Everyone also thought that red trousers were a good idea, so there's no point listening to Everyone. They might be wrong.

And Lewandowski might be heading to England, after all. He dreams of playing for any one of Arsenal, Chelsea or United, it says here, which seems remarkably vague really. The Mill dreams of playing for Hinckley United and Braintree Town, but you don't hear us banging on about it.

Florentino Pérez is doing his Florentino Pérez thing and having his say on matters that don't concern him, this time on the future of Radamel Falcao, who you might remember joining Monaco roughly two seconds ago. Monaco paid a cool £53m to sign him from Atlético in the summer but now it seems he wants to go and play for Real, according to Pérez anyway.

"Falcao won't come in January but in June, who knows?" tooted Madrid's president, desperately trying to fix Gareth Bale's back at the same time. "Nothing is impossible and there is a lot of time between now and then. Falcao is a great player and I am aware that he wants to play for [Real] Madrid. I am aware of that, but it's normal. They told me."

Chelsea want to sign Barcelona's right-back, Martin Montoya, just so José Mourinho has a new Spaniard to torment psychologically, leaving him on the bench, calling him names, making fun of tapas and forcing him to room with Kevin De Bruyne, just for the sheer hell of it. Although Internazionale and Bayer Leverkusen have also been spotted sniffing about the Camp Nou. Meanwhile, Juventus and Lazio will make their move for Aston Villa's Christian Benteke any day now. Although maybe they should wait until January, when said move will actually count for something.

And in the most magical news of the day, the former Newcastle winger Nolberto Solano has applied to be the manager of League Two's Bury. If he brings his trumpet to the interview, he's a shoo-in.

Now be off with you: the Mill needs to start work on a 50ft-high statue of Roy Hodgson in Trafalgar Square.