The shock of seeing a big name depart prematurely and surprisingly tamely from a competition many tipped them to win has clearly had a seismic effect on the nation's media, totally dominating the coverage in many popular dailies. But aside from Jordan's I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here failure, there doesn't seem to be much going on.
Over on the back pages, last night's Champions League nightmares for both Liverpool and Kieran Gibbs — "He has a big hole in his leg," said Arsène Wenger, having consulted his medical team for the most precise definition he could possibly muster of his full-back's exact condition. "Unfortunately he doesn't look too good" – hog the headlines. And it turns out Andrey Arshavin's clash of heads with William Gallas against Standard Liège came after a clash of egos with Roman Pavlyuchenko on international duty last week and a clash of angry words with Russia's assistant coach Alexander Borodyuk, making him a very dangerous guy to hang out with, whatever way you look at it.
Paul Hart's departure from Portsmouth has failed to muster the 25-man "short" lists customary in mid-season sackings, the ones that always feature Terry Venables at 50-1 and some bloke who played from whichever club it is in the mid-80s but hasn't been heard of since at 100-1. Instead, just three names appear to be in the frame: Alan Curbishley, Darren Ferguson and Avram Grant, who just happens to be all set to receive his work permit this week.
The Slovakian international Marek Hamsik's parents might not be able to spell "Mark" very well, but that hasn't stopped their offspring becoming a £25m target for Manchester United, according to the Telegraph. Also on Sir Alex Ferguson's shopping list are Simon Kjaer of Palermo and Gary Cahill of Bolton.
Franck Ribéry's wife Wahiba may sound like something Speedy Gonzales would say before racing off into the distance at a frankly ludicrous speed, but that hasn't stopped her from coming down with swine flu and potentially jeopardising her husband's lucrative January transfer to Chelsea.
Thierry Henry handball fall-out latest: "I realise that it was not my fault," says referee. And no wonder the cheating Frenchman celebrated the goal quite so enthusiastically: it earned him a £382,075 qualification bonus. Henry has received the public backing of spurned X Factor talentless bequiffed hideous sonic nightmare duo Jedward. "He's still a great player. He's such a cool guy," they report.
Enough of old Henry, though. There's a new Henry in town. And Arsenal want him. Loic Remy's the name, Nice is his club and £14m is the mooted fee to bring him north Londonwards. "I often talk about Arsenal with Abou Diaby and Bacary Sagna when I am with them in the French team," he says. "They tell me that when you are at Arsenal you want to stay there your entire career." Failing that, the new new Henry would be Gabriel Agbonlahor, the £17m-rated Aston Villa speed-merchant for whom Wenger may move in the summer if he manages to remain consistent.
There remains just enough time for a quick scoot around the Championship – the West Bromwich manager Roberto Di Matteo wants to spend £1.5m on making Sheffield United's Jamie Ward another member of the most overmanned frontline in showbusiness, and has also taken the Canadian forward Marcus Haber on trial, just in case – before we head back to the jungle to ponder how Colin's departure could be rather laboriously turned into a Liverpool-related introduction to a future transfer gossip column.
