Good afternoon, and let's without delay reveal today's first Countdown conundrum: HWWWHYHY. That the Guardian sport/culture crossover has come to this. Neville Cardus will be thrashing around in his grave, a slapstick take on Vitruvian Man.
Anyway, Burnley defender Clarke Carlisle is heading to the Countdown studios in Manchester to have a go at the UK's greatest-ever TV word puzzle*, so hats off to him, I'd struggle to get a score in single figures. He should be warned, however, that Burnley players have a dreadful record in Manchester: they haven't won there since beating City in the 1973 Charity Shield at Maine Road. (And yes, I know it isn't recorded live. Just trying to drum up some business here.)
* DISCLAIMER: Not including Paul Coia's Catchword
Kick off: 3.25pm.
Spread on number of times "an inverted T, please" is heard: 3-5.
Spread on number of times Jeff Stelling flashes an uneasy and slightly obsequious smile at Dictionary Corner while sitting through a particularly directionless anecdote, the sort of smile that'd have you looking around nervously for moral and possible physical support if someone showcased it at a deserted bus station: 11-14.
Clarke isn't the first footballer to star on Countdown, it should be noted. In 2008, Notts County midfielder Neil MacKenzie won four games to reach the quarter-finals, only losing to eventual series winner Junaid Mubeen. "I got a nice crystal vase which I'll keep on my mantelpiece," he said. With a fireplace to lean on and a talent for parlour games, Neil must be in his element come Christmas afternoon.
Manchester < Leeds. "When did Countdown move to the wrong side of the Pennines?" asks Stuart Main. I have no idea exactly. Sometime last year, according to my Countdown snout on the Media site. To quote my source: "ITV napalmed the Yorkshire TV studios and moved everything to Granada." So there you have it. No wonder Des Lynam wasn't keen on continuing with the commute to Leeds when he had the gig.
3.25pm: And we're off! A good blast of the famous title music, which was written by Alan Hawkshaw, the same dude who also wrote this, the greatest TV theme tune of all time:
Anyway, let's get down to business. Good luck, Clarke, and may your God go with you.
3.26pm: Stelling is laying on the football gags a wee bit thick. Already. He's been married to his wife for 11 seasons, ho ho. Adam Guest, the bloke who Clarke faces today, likes listening to Garth Crooks... no, Garth Brooks. Jeff, man! Some dignity here! (writes MBM hack on Countdown duty)
3.27pm: Clarke is nervous. He hopes his team-mates aren't watching. For them, I hope his wishes come true.
In today's Dictionary Corner: Susie Dent on the big book, alongside Jenni Falconer. Who? She's no Ted Moult, I'll tell you that for free!
It takes a special talent to shill plastic windows for picturesque stone buildings as effectively and stylishly as this. What effortless execution of the cap-blown-off-head gag (10 sec)! There's no swannee whistle FX to cover up any cracks in comic technique there; it's all about Ted's timing, nothing more, nothing less.
The first letters: T N J I A I B T U. Both get five points for Jaunt. They can't do jaunty, though, can they? LATEST SCORE: Guest 5 - 5 Carlisle.
The second lot of letters: C P D A E U C S E. Both Adam and Clarke have ESCAPED for seven points. Taunting me, they are. Taunting me. LATEST SCORE: Guest 12 - 12 Carlisle.
The third set: A E A X M S T D R. Both players have six points, DREAMS. Same words every time! Is it always like this? Clarke shows Adam the workings on his piece of paper. LATEST SCORE: Guest 18 - 18 Carlisle.
More of it: H K R E I O G T R. This is harder to cover than the football. Adam will try a six, but his HOGTIE is hyphenated! Clarke's GORIER bags the points. Burnley take the lead! LATEST SCORE: Guest 18 - 24 Carlisle. Susie Dent had a seven-pointer with RIGHTER, but she's not playing and therefore simply showing off.
The first numbers game: They need to make 453 from 2, 1, 7, 5, 1 and 4. Eh? Clarke is nowhere near it. Adam gets 45something, somehow, and gets SOME POINTS. I think I may be number dyslexic. This is right, though. LATEST SCORE: Guest 25 - 24 Carlisle.
And that's the End Of Part One: Not Ted Moult Anecdote Woman tells a very, very long story which goes nowhere. Ah, the ads. No Moult there either, the poor bugger having died in 1986. "Here I am, following your MBM, reading the letters and singing the jaunty little tune for exactly 30 seconds while proving to myself that I am worse at rearranging letters than a footballer," whistles Mac Millings. "Sod this, I'm off down the YouTube to look for classic clips of 'Crosswits', Barry Cryer edition." Come back when you hit paydirt.
Part Two: And it's the next letters round: L L S A E O R L M "This is by far the most magnificently absurd thing I have ever followed," writes Roy Allen. "I'm gripped." Adam gets six - SLALOM - but Clarke gets SMALLER for seven points. "Fantastic!" chirps Susie in Dictionary Corner, getting things nearly as hectically out of proportion as poor old Roy Allen. LATEST SCORE: Guest 25 - 31 Carlisle.
What seems like the 173rd letters round: I E O N F D M Q C. Clarke is all over it! DEMONIC for seven beats whatever Adam got. I? IN?
LATEST SCORE: Guest 25 - 38 Carlisle.
More more more: S W G E I O D R S. Adam is falling to pieces. Six again: SWORDS. Clarke has a seven: DOSSIER. Susie Dent thinks that's fantastic again. Watching Adam is like watching Burnley play away from home. LATEST SCORE: Guest 25 - 45 Carlisle.
Immersed in so much fun here, it almost feels like it could go on forever: Y L H E O E S R V. Clarke's REVELS is fine for six, but bugger all for Adam, whose HOLERS doesn't exist. This is getting embarrassing. To repeat: like watching Burnley play away from home. LATEST SCORE: Guest 25 - 374 Carlisle.
Some awful wind swirling around Dictionary Corner again. So while they're droning on, let's line up some proper entertainment. "In addition to finding nothing better than 4-letter words, I've also failed to hit Crosswits paydirt," writes Mac Millings. "All I could find was the Tom O'Connor version. An entire episode, posted on YouTube. What kind of a person would do such a thing?"
What manner of man indeed.
Another numbers game. Make 594 with 100, 9, 10, 4, 1 and 8, please! They both get it: 100-1=99, 10-4=6, multiply them together, and there you have it. LATEST SCORE: Guest 35 - 61 Carlisle. And it's time for another break.
At last! An anecdote worth telling. "I watched the very first episode of Countdown in the TV room at my hall of residence at Keele University in 1982," begins Dave Espley. "A new channel starting was big news, so the room was fairly full. As Countdown was well underway, Richard Whiteley threw to Ted Moult, who blustered his way through an anecdote. As he was speaking, a girl behind me stage-whispered to her boyfriend 'who's that?' 'Ted Moult,' he replied, 'philosopher and wit.' One of the funniest putdowns I've ever heard, that still makes me laugh almost 30 years later."
More letters. More letters. O E K I L L A R Y O U R S E L F P R N O W B G D. Both get a six-pointer, BADGER and BARRED. Missing a trick, there, lads. LATEST SCORE: Guest 41 - 67 Carlisle.
And it goes on... F A N E N V N I P. Adam is eating his pen nervously. He gets an apt four-pointer: PAIN, which covers his day. Clarke gets INANE, which covers this report. The marvellous Susie Dent finds PINNAE for six, which is something or other found in the lug. Adam is jiggered. LATEST SCORE: Guest 41 - 72 Carlisle.
Adam may as well get up and leave. T G S A E U T R T. The pair swap STATURE and STATUTE for seven. LATEST SCORE: Guest 48 - 79 Carlisle.
It's the last numbers game! Woo! They need to get 795 from 75, 3, 6, 2, 7 and 8. 7+3 is 10 x 75, then I lose interest. Neither of them get it, though Adam is closer. LATEST SCORE: Guest 55 - 79 Carlisle. "Where Clarke found 'revels' earlier, unsurprisingly for a Burnley defender he failed to find some 'resolve' in that mess," quips Oskar Persson. "I may only have mailed in to brag I found a seven-letter word."
The conundrum VINEWRITE. And Clarke gets it: it's INTERVIEW. FINAL SCORE: Guest 55 - 89 Carlisle. "I'm delighted and so relieved," laughs the Burnley defender, finally enjoying a decent result this year. That's a hammering in any language. Anyway, anecdotes I refuse to listen to apart, that's the end of the programme. Clarke will be back this time tomorrow to defend his crown. I can safely say I won't. Here, does anybody want to watch Crosswits?
