BREAKING NEWS: A group of Aston Villa fans incensed at the club's lack of new signings this summer have broken into the home of manager Martin O'Neill and stolen his lavatory. A spokesperson for the group, who did not leave his name because he's not bloody stupid, released a statement claiming the Irishman does not need a toilet as he seems so darn reluctant to spend a penny. A spokesperson for the police, meanwhile, said they have nothing to go on - and was immediately arrested for the shameless theft of an antique Two Ronnies gag.
Elsewhere, Mark Hughes, in between negotiating a piffling £10m deal for Leeds starlet Fabian Delph, is believed to be preparing a statement of his own to pacify people unsettled by Manchester City's rampant recruitment. The gist of his oration will be: "Be thankful I'm not Harry Redknapp".
Redknapp will not have time to reply because, just months after forking out a fortune for Wilson Palacios, he's busy trying to buy at least one more holding midfielder: so far he's got as far as writing a list that includes the names Patrick Vieira, Mark van Bommel, Mahamadou Diarra, Fabrice Muamba, Toulouse's Moussa Sissoko and Brazil U20 captian Sandro. Sunderland will contribute to his amusement fund by adding an extra one million quid to their £14m bid for Darren Bent. And because Sunderland can't go to Tottenham without returning with fewer than three new players, they'll chuck in another £15m for David Bentley and Michael Dawson.
Manchester City will this week complete the capture of Joleon Lescott for £23m.
Neither a ball nor fan have been kicked in anger yet this season but Manchester United and Liverpool are already bickering. And it's all so pointless because (a) Valencia coach Unai Emery insists the object of their haggling, David Silva, is not for sale "at any price" and (b) Chelsea are going to win the league this year anyway.
Manchester City are on the verge of signing Swedish midfielder Rasmus Elm, meaning Everton and Fulham will have to look elsewhere.
Armand Traoré's future at Arsenal is at Birmingham City. Sorry, that last sentence could have been better constructed. But you get the idea, yeah?
Manchester City are waiting to see whether Manchester United really are going to offer £35m for Atlético Madrid's Diego Maradona-approved trickster Sergio Agüero. And then City will gazump their city rivals.
Phil Brown has taken up his microphone again, this time to serenade Newcastle right-back Habib Beye, but it's all been to no avail as his old mucker Sam Allardyce will beat him to the signing of the Senegalese. Brown will now begin crooning at Pascal Chimbonda instead. He'll also have a melodious word in the ear of Seyi Olofinjana after the Stoke midfielder's proposed move to Monaco fell through.
Manchester City are mulling over a move for David Villa, just for the hell of it.
Fulham have put out the feelers for Sampdoria midfielder Daniele Dessena, while hawking Diomansy Kamara around France – PSG and Bordeaux are interested.
Manchester City reckon the Great Wall of China is just about big enough to surround Eastlands.
Portsmouth are about to sign gangly Lyon striker Frédéric Piquionne. The new Peter Crouch is not, in fairness, as gangly as the old one and, um, is 30.
Blackburn will buy striker Nikola Kalinić. And Benjani Mwaruwari too, if Manchester City can locate him amid all their other strikers.
It's Monday morning so there's no better reason to take your time posting any transfer-related thoughts below
