Hello and welcome to exclusively typed live commentary of Manchester United v Fulham. Kick off is at 1.30. If you'd like to share your thoughts on anything you can email me or even communicate via Twitter if you like because I do all that now.
While we're waiting I thought I'd mention some phrases that have already been unilaterally banned from today's MBM. I'm sorry for any inconvenience this may cause:
1 Without doubt one of the top three players in the world. If not the best right now.
2 Just 12 goals short of Cristiano Ronaldo's sensational record haul of 42.
3 Scores a lot with his head you know.
4 Maybe something to do with his bald spot ha ha ha!
5 Carrying a nation's hopes on his broad boxer's shoulders.
6 Fatherhood. Settled down. Just really enjoying his football.
7 The Croxteth Maradona, Merseyside Pele, Lancashire Psukas, urban North-West England Di Stefano.
8 Anything else similar that's been rattling around your head for the last two weeks and you'd be glad to see the back of.
By the way that reminds me, didn't people say for ages "If you take that out of Wayne Rooney's game, he won't be the same Wayne Rooney"? With "that" being short-hand for kicking people and swearing all the time? Well he has taken "that" out and he is a different player. He's a much better player. How could Andy Townsend/Mark Bright/Andy Gray etc etc have ever got it so wrong? Eh? Oh yes.
Here are the bald facts anway: United have scored 23 goals in their last six home league games. They haven't conceded a goal in 609 minutes of league football. On the other hand Fulham mere sensationally good in their 3-0 win at Craven Cottage earlier this season, the game that inspired the brief Zamora-for-England storm as he bullied a defence with renowned bruisers Michael Carrick and and Darren Fletcher glowering at its heart.
But still you never know and Fulham are a good team. If I was Roy Hodgson I would (a) put Damien Duff on the left; (b) tell Danny Murphy to shoot on sight; and (c) say "I think we were really rather rampant really Roger" over and over again in my lovable old fashioned vowel-mangling honourable 1960s bank robber voice.
Here are your teams today:
Man Utd Van der Sar, Neville, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Valencia, Carrick, Fletcher, Nani, Berbatov, Rooney.
Fulham Schwarzer, Kelly, Hangeland, Hughes, Shorey, Davies,
Murphy, Baird, Dempsey, Gera, Zamora.
Referee Michael Jones
So Duff is on the bench and Dempsey is back for Fulham way ahead of schedule, which is very nice to see. United have a strong team out today, albeit with Nani back on the left and hopefully providing pinpoint crosses for Wayne Rooney who is only 12 goals short of... Aaargh.
Pranay Sanklecha asks: "Aren't you in India for the IPL? Aren't there games on today? How d'you manage to fit an MBM in? Or are you watching this from the press box at Eden Gardens or wherever it is? These are staggeringly boring questions. But they help distract me from work, which is nice." No. Not yet.
This from Gary Naylor: "Can I be the first to request that the phrase, "...this from Gary Naylor" be banned from today's MBM too?"
Felix Woodwards offers: "anything involving the extended 'plane ticket' or 'booking his ticket on the plane' etc metaphor for the World Cup".
Niall Mullen muses: "What's wrong with saying this working class lad carries the hopes of a nation on his shoulders into games against Algeria and Slovenia? There
aren't enough ways to say just how good Clint Dempsey is." How about "he's quite good"? That just about covers it.
Aiden Gibson points out: "You can't ban "Rooney is the next Bobby Charlton" seeing as it's one of the links to the side of the MBM." That is at least a relatively new one. But it's banned as of tomorrow.
Pranay Sanklecha makes a good point: "I'm hoping readers can help me with this. I looked at a picture of Dimitar Berbatov and realized he is quite tall (more shocking revelations from our special correspondent etc). But no one talks about him having a good touch for a big man. What's the precise height at which you become tall enough to qualify for that description?" I think the thing is: he's foreign. Different rules. In fact we should probably say "a poor touch for such a foreign man". That might work.
Two ex-United players on the Fulham bench. One ex-Fulham player in the United side. And Ferguaon tried to sign Duff too when he left Blackburn but Chelsea offered lots more money.
Darren Pernambucho asks: "Why is the Neviller playing ahead of young Raphael?? Will he play the rest of the games? I need help, there is money riding on this!" I think Neville's back in as No1 until he does somehting awful. Hope you're richer as a result.
1 min Fulham kick off and keep the ball nicely for a bit as they tend to. Dempsey is playing through the middle with Zamora, with Gera on the left. Evra punts the ball right into a sentivie part of his anatomy from point blank range. Everyone laughs as he doubles up. Ha ha.
3 mins Nani jinks easily inside Kelly on the left and has a shot that hits Baird. I think he might give Kelly a tough time today. At the other end Murphy has a touch and gets massively booed. They don't forget. And John Delaney says: "I'm not sure if it's down to the foul hangover that is blighting me but Roy Hodgson looks more and more like the scary witch from Spirited Away every time I see him."
5 mins First corner of the game to United. Nani takes it in canary yellow boots but Baird heads away at the near post. United are having the early posession and territory as you'd expect. Zamora does find some space on the right wing but his cross is a horrible sliding hack that flies miles over the bar and he wanders off looking confused and sulky.
7 mins Neville has laucnehd the ball forward from full back three times now. Not really the united way, but maybe it's a plan. Or maybe he can't run any more and looks like he's riding a horse. Nani again gets round Kelly very easily and crosses right-footed towards Berbatov, who is a good header of the ball for such a tall foreign man, but he scuffs it wide while falling over.
9 mins Berbatov looking very lively (yes really). He combines well with Neville who almost puts Rooney in. By the way this is Mike Jones' first ever game refereeing Manchester United. Whatever could go wrong?
10 mins Brilliant goal-saving tackle on Rooney by Kelly. Fletcher and Berbatov exchange passes, which ends up with Fletcher in on goal. He squares it when he might have shot and Kelly is able to block Rooney's effort from eight yards. They really should have scored there, but good defending.
13 minsValencia tackles back well on Davies as Fulham found some space and they are having some more of the ball now. And this from Gary Naylor (a two-in-one Gary Naylor in fact): "There's so many of these green and gold scarves around that you can't help thinking that if the Glazers had sold them, they'd have cleared the debt. Uncle Roy does look like Yubaba from Spirited Away - Rooney looks like one of the three heads she kept as pets."
14 mins Wow! Cripes! Did you see that? Dempsey has a shot from about 30 yards that dips at the end and just about flies over the bar. Good effort from the goal strike kick attacker. Moments later Gera also has a shot that's deflected wide and they have a corner too.
15 mins Van der Saar flaps at the corner a bit and it falls to Murphy on the edge of the box. Neville sees a dangerous scouser in his crosshairs and flies out to block.
18 mins Fulham have come back into this. They do keep the ball nicely in midfield but they're a bit like a cut-price Arsenal at times with a bit of a lack of thrust. And Ian Copestake has got something he wants to say: "I am retreating into the football after a disastrous Mother's Day phone conversation in which my supposedly thoughtful use of the expression "fruit does not fall far from the tree" was misconstrued as an attempt at coming out. So have Fulham managed to squeeze possession in the middle of the park sufficiently?" Er, yes. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
21 mins Andrew James is angry at what he sees as a basic lack of partriotism: "Are you Portuguese? Never mind Nani! What colour are Rooney's boots?" Sorry. Banned just in case I accidentally call him the "the green-booted Bobby Charlton" or some such. Canary boots takes another free kick wide on the left and it's cleared for a corner, from which Rooney almost gets a decent connection near goal.
22 mins Nani does look quite sharp cutting in from that right hand side. His burst sets up Neville for another one of those looping crosses from deep that Rooney almost gets his fuzz-covered skull on to. Fulham are being pushed back here. Rob writes: "Danny Murphy is NOT a Scouser, having been born in Chester. Many thanks for helping me clear that up."
25 mins Brilliant stuff from Berbatov as he plays a neat one two, then plays in Rooney on the left, who feeds it out to Nani, who crosses well only for Berbatov to head over from six yards. He should have scored but that was still lovely play from the hulking velcro-touch Bulgar.
27 mins Nani plays in one of the world's top three... sorry, Rooney, but he miscontrols with a clear run on goal and the ball is cleared. What is a scouser exactly anyway? Do you have to be from a certain bit of Liverpool like cockneys in London?
29 mins United are having all of this game. Fulham double up on Nani this time and just about clear the ball. It's all coming down his side right now. Berbatov lays it back to rooney 20 yards out and he shoots striaght away, but Schwarzer makes a brilliant save diving down low to his right. Xavier McDaniel asks "What would Rooney have to do to be knocked from his perch as the Greatest Living Briton? Besides a text affair with Amy Winehouse or palling around with Al Qaeda in Afghanistan before the World Cup, I think he's nearing untouchable status." He could beat Stephen Fry up maybe? Or drive his car into the Queen while she's crossing the road and then not seem very sympathetic?
32 mins Nani. Oh, Nani. Runs 20 yards into acres of space. Beats one man. Beats another. Rooney and Berbatov in space. Beats another. Jinks again. Loses the ball. That was old, bad Nani.
35 mins It's getting a bit monotonous now. Nani cuts inside, puts a decent ball in, Rooney heads towards goal and Schwarzer grabs it. At what point do we begin to accuse United of being a one-dimensional team? It's like watching England in 1932. But it is quite effective. Rooney has another punt at goal from a lay-off by Berbatov and it hits Hangeland and Kelly. Rooney wants a penalty but you never get those.
37 mins Another shot on goal from Nani. Schwarzer gathers it. It's like a training game now, but still somehow 0-0. Ian Copestake suggests: "If the Glazers actually started wearing the green and gold themselves wouldn't that make the protestors should stop their own protest in protest?" And Zamora goes close for Fulham, dinking a bouncing ball over the bar while trying maybe to be a bit too clever.
39 mins You wonder if United will regret missing all these chances. They can't keep it up for ever. Sacha Brady suggests wrongly: "The only way Rooney would stop being our greatest Brit is by questioning John Terry's character and behaviour. That would automatically make him a deviant and anti-British." Very British to have a go at EBJT.
41 minutes Valencia is the first player booked for a bit of a block on Gera as he tried to wibble past him. On the new United monotony Joe Holden asks: "Reminds me of playing Sensible Soccer on the Amiga - you find one way to score, run down flank, press long pass, frantically hit the shoot button when the ball reaches the box - 10 goals a game guaranteed. Did it get monotonous? No. At least not for 3 years from age 9 to 12, then well..."
44 mins Rooney has a cheeky curling shot from 25 yards that curls just wide of Schwarzer's right hand post, Rooney having tried to "give him he eyes" as he waited to shoot. Peter Miles agrees about the Glazers and the green and yellow: "Was thinking the same as Ian Copestake... the mischievous ginger whiskers could introduce green and yellow into next seasons away kit..." That would require great daring and gall, as well as great commercial cynicism. Hmmm.
45+1 mins Half time. A bit of a surprise that it's still 0-0. United have had countless forays down the Nani side of things and plenty of shots too but you've got to put it in the mesh-like tangerine sack.
David Keegan says: "No mention of the two penalty shouts Barney, both looked pretty clear". They didn't look like penalties, except to the ardent fan. Rooney kicked the ball on to a defender's hand. That's not a penalty. Haven't pored over the replays though, so will let you know when I have. I'm off to get a cup of "tea" from the machine. Back in five minutes.
On the limits of what is and isn't a scouser Peter Wright muses: "I watch most of my football in the Welsh Premier League these days, following Connah's Quay and from pleasantries exchanged at away grounds I would say that anyone from within a radius of about thirty miles of the Pier Head is considered a Scouser by folk from the Welsher parts of Wales."
Chris Keelan, who reads books and has a jacket with patches on the elbows, writes: ""Scouse" comes from the Norwegian word for "stew", which was brought into Liverpool and other ports by sailors of the distant past. It also refers to the accent, which has its roots in (mainly) Irish immigration. Scousers are the people of the area who eat the stew and speak the lingo. Not like the cockneys at all."
Ian Copestake wonders: "How many Glazers are there anyway? They seem to be breeding them. And being related does not excuse them looking so unerringly alike and yet sufficiently different to render them instantly unrecognisable when
not in a family group photo." I would suggest that, yes, they are breeding them. The Glazers are what is known as "a family" of humans.
David Keegan is convinced about the penalties: "Not the handball, that's never a pen. The two times that the defenders put both arms around the forward when the ball was coming in from crosses. Hangeland and Berbatov and then Kelley on Rooney. I have seen penalties given for less and both would have been whistled if they were outside the box." Yes, but they weren't. I know what you mean but personally I always sort of hate it when those get given. It's a man's game. This isn't basketball.
For the record, David, Andy Gray kind of agrees with you on the first Rooney bundling over. But it's a "they never give them" situation. And Mac Millings has never worked at The Guardian:" Is that a cup of "tea" as in "a cup of something described by the label as tea, but by my taste buds as wee", or "a cup of it's-Sunday-no-one's-in-the-office booze"?" No one? This is a mob-handed operation these days. I'd need a 35-pack.
46 mins GOAL!!! ROONEY SCORES FOR UNITED!!!! That was lovely bright play against a Fulham defence who seemed to be still in the dressing room. Ball out from Rooney to Nani on the right. He plays it back to Rooney who shoots past Schwarzer low and to the keeper's left. That was very simple from the man who now stands just 11 goals short of... Sorry.
48 mins After all that huffing and puffing that was ridiculously easy. Well done to Nani for threading a low pass past three players in the box. By the way Duff is on for Fulham, replacing Davies.
50 mins Deep cross from Baird that Vidic heads away powerfully with Zamora lurking. Meanwhile Julian Symes has been at the quinine. "I'm in Brazil, and have been up half the night trying to kill a mosquito. I only see and hear it after it's done the damage. If Wazza also makes a high pitched whine after he scores, then he is surely football's equivalent of Nature's ruthlessly effective bloodsucker, and most defences are to him, one big, slow moving hairy a**e!"
54 mins A few technical glitches here I'm afraid. Think we're on top of them now, just in time to report a ludicrous school playground-style scuffle in the Fulham box that sees Nani attempt an effete dink, Rooney flying in like it's a game of murderball, Schwarzer paddling about on the ground and the ball finally cleared.
56 mins Non-Scouser Danny Murphy is booked for a nasty little stamp on Carrick's foot. Then he hurls the ball away as the ref blows for a free kick. He could have been off there. He looks incredibly cross and keeps waving his arms around. Mac Millings has more information: "Chris Keelan may or may not read books, but he certainly reads Wikipedia. According to my own extensive research, Gary Naylor is a Scouser, while Ian Copestake is a Woollyback. I'm sure they can elaborate/have a fight about it."
59 mins Murphy tries to get even rather than angry, almost playing in Gera on the edge of the box, but United then break like lightning shuttling the ball all the way down to the other end before Neville gets hold of it and it all goes slow and wrong. Murphy also may have just "done a groin" by the looks of things. Kennth O'Brien asks: "Next time you see him could you tell Alan Parry that thanks to remarks made during his commentary, he reminded me it was Mother's Day in UK and Ireland today?" Yes of course me and Pazza bump into each other all the time, mainly on family-related public holidays.
62 mins Hangleand has gone off, replaced by Greening and his unecessary tattoos. Hangeland has "sore ribs". Harris confesses: "I've always wondered how Rooney feels when the utd crowd scream 'you scouse bastard' at Murphy." He probably thinks, "that's not strictly accurate"
65 mins United still controlling the game. Evra puts in a cross from near the corner flag that Schwarzer has a juggle with and eventually gathers off Duff's head. Ferdinand then hooks Valencia's corner just over the bar with a kind of turning wast-high volley. That would have been quite a spectacular goal from the Peckham flaneur. Then Berbatov tries an overhead kick from miles our from Valencia's corner and it flies wide. and meanwhile Mark Grindrod also has an axe to grind :"Can't agree with Peter Wright's geo-scouser definition. Any one from the Wirral (never mind Wales) is most certainly a Woolyback, and the 30 miles from the Pier head rule would make Manchester (and Salford's Green and White army) scouse! Don't think so." Wish I hadn't started this now. Please no more scouser turf war stuff.
68 mins More jinking and dinking in the corner from Nani that ends up nowhere. And unless I'm mistaken the other United players and coaching staff seem to be shouting "Nani" at him. They call him "Nani".
71 mins Fulham bring on Nevland for Dempsey, Might as well take Zamora off, he's been totally dominated by Vidic. Park comes on for Valencia. Tlaking of which Michael Meagher has been made very, very angry: "I just don't understand why Manchester United can't send Valencia out in training and say: look we pay you thousands of pounds a week. You're not allowed off the training ground until you can kick the ball with your left foot. It's completely absurd how one footed it is and it's makes me very, very angry."
73 mins Nani is on the right now. He lays it off to Neville who punts in a cross that Rooney goes to head but ends up shouldering wide.
75 mins Oh dear, Zamora. He really should have scored there. Put through suddenly on goal by a mistake by Vidic, he took a touch, steadied himself, went to shoot and then found vidic diving in from the side to make a brilliant block tackle. But he shouldn't have had the chance. Zamora was very slow there, like a lumbering Brontosaurus who hasn't had a carrot in three weeks. And please stop sending in angry updates on what is or isn't a scouser.
78 mins It's all gone a bit tense and quiet out there. United are haning back a little bit. Could be a difficult 15 minutes. Having said that Berbatov heads just wide from a Park cross that was smacked at his head from about 15 yards. He probably now has a ringing, teeth-juddering head ache. And Nick Honeywell wants to forgive: "Someone should tell Michael Meagher (71 min) that being hopelessly one-footed doesn't seem to have done Giggs much harm. So there's no need to pick on poor Valencia about it, eh? He seems to have turned
out decent enough on the right, anyway."
81 mins Evra jinks through like Ricky Villa on the left edge of the box, but then shoots like Patrice Evra with his right foot and it's scuffed wide. Moments later Fletcher finds himself coming on to the ball ten yards out but Schwarzer palms his shot over the bar. That was a good save.
84 mins GOAL!! ROONEY SCORES AGAIN FOR UNITED!!! Lovely approach play by Berbatov on the right wing as he skips away from Shorey before finding Rooney in the middle, who shins a shot past Schwarzer and in to the corner. That was a scuff, but they all count and when you're carrying a nation's hopes on your broad... Aaargh. Two for Rooney though and that is surely it.
87 mins Well, that's that you'd think. An easy enough win in the end and Rooney will get yet more fawning headlines. He does have that knack of doing the important things in a game right now, but he has also missed quite a few chances. Ben Chilton leaps in: "'2-0 - and that's game over'. No, no it's not actually, there's still 10 odd minutes mr talky Sky man." Yes, true technically and very well spotted.
88 mins GOAL FOR UNITED BERBATOV SCORES!!! A header from close range from a cross from the right by, I think, Wayne Rooney. So Ben Chilton was right after all.
90+1 mins Fulham have sort of fallen to pieces here. Rooney almost tees up a shot on goal for his hat-trick but some desperate blocking keeps him out. Hangeland going off has really left them hanging on a bit.
90+3 mins FULL TIME. And the game ends with Rooney having a succession of blocked shots from inside the Fulham area that are all depserately blocked. That was a strange game: easy in the end for United but still tense until they got the second goal. United are two points clear at the top of the table and that's it from me. Thanks for all your emails. Barney.
