When the Mill doesn't quite read the rota right and ends up with its face buried in a damp pillow on Monday morning instead of rifling through the imaginations of the tabloids' finest hacks, it often dreams up one or two ludicrous fantasy football moves of its own.

So when it awoke this morning to news that Chelsea were in for "Brazilian wonderkid Lucas" it took a sharp intake of breath and threw itself back under the covers safe in the knowledge that the world, for all its scary imperfections, could never, in reality be so warped as to have Carlo Ancelotti replacing Michael Essien with Liverpool's much-maligned water carrier. But hey, ho what do you know – it's São Paulo's 15-year-old Lucas Piazon who's turning Stamford Bridge heads not Rafael Benítez's favourite son.

The one-time moody Wigan striker Amr Zaki is a target for the Portsmouth manager, Paul Hart, who, according to the Daily Mirror, sent an elite team of "Pompey Spies" to North Africa to watch the Egypt international avoid flares and scuff one in as the home side beat Algeria in a crackling encounter in Cairo.

Newcastle are sniffing around the Portugal Under-21 forward Ukra, who, apparently impressed scouts against England Under-21s with his "skill and pace" as his side limped to defeat against Stuart Pearce's young whippersnappers.

Championship strugglers Reading want Huddersfield's in-form striker Jordan Rhodes for double the £300,000 they snaffled him from Ipswich for in the summer and elsewhere in today's nonsense, Movember legend Gary Neville, wants an "elite pool" of referees to take charge of Premier League matches. He believes too many wet-behind-the-ears whistleblowers have not "earned" the right to officiate in the world's biggest bestest richest league etc and so on.

And finally, today's rumours really didn't turn up so if you'd like to fill in the blanks you can do so below the line.