Managers whinging about workloads

It is invariably the managers with the greatest resources who make the biggest noise around fixture congestion and ‘workloads’. Pep Guardiola and Jürgen Klopp are possibly the worst offenders in this regard, despite the rule changes in recent years that have directly addressed the problem of fatigue and burn out: a mid-season winter break and the introduction of five substitutes (which favours the so-called big clubs with multiple matchwinners on the bench). It’s true that some get tired and even injured as a result of being overplayed, but managers should simply utilise the rest of their squad (of full internationals) more often. Football is hard, a full season is not meant to be easy, but Guardiola has only used someone that would be classified as a youth player on three occasions this season – City’s final Champions League group game (where the group was already won), their second leg against Copenhagen (with the aggregate score at 6-2) and in the FA Cup at home to Huddersfield (with the score at 5-0). His and any other Premier League manager’s comments about burnout are increasingly a fugazi and only designed to create pressure and even more favourable conditions for the top sides. The scrapping of FA Cup replays – a decision that hurts those further down the football pyramid – suggests the authorities are falling for it.

‘You couldn’t make it up, Clive’

One for the pedants. Year after year, the mountain of hyperbole on our TV screens and the internet grows ever bigger, with excited commentators, capitalised Sky Sports YouTube headlines and army of bedroom podcasters all too keen to describe how “unbelievable” or “unreal” the Best League In The World™ is. But the phrase “couldn’t make it up” (see also “couldn’t write this script”) remains unacceptable. This isn’t a new phrase (thanks Richard Littlejohn), nor one exclusive to the Premier League or even football, but the world would be a better place with this tiresome cliche in the bin. As an old letter in Viz once so expertly mused: “if people can write scripts about dystopian futures in which life is in fact a simulation made by sentient machines to harness humans’ heat and electricity as an energy source, they can probably write about Gary Taylor-Fletcher scoring a last-minute equaliser against Stoke”.

Nottingham Forest’s victim complex

From the breaching of the Premier League’s Profitability and Sustainability Rules (PSR) that they themselves signed up for, to the appointment of Mark Clattenburg – otherwise known for his Daily Mail column and officiating on TV show Gladiators – as a “refereeing consultant”, Nottingham Forest have been more of a shambles off the pitch this season than on it, which is saying something. The club’s attitude towards officials has been particularly embarrassing, epitomised by a tweet from the club’s official account about “three extremely poor decisions” following a controversial 1-1 draw at Luton. “Three penalties not given, which we simply cannot accept”, read an extraordinary statement on Twitter. “We warned the PGMOL that the VAR is a Luton fan before the game but they didn’t change him. Our patience has been tested multiple times. NFFC will now consider its options.” Did a frustrated child write this? Any sympathy that might have arisen over the decisions was quickly erased. VAR might be a mess, but Forest’s missives and victim complex had all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on, setting a dangerous precedent for the future.

Stepping on club badges

Football has always fallen over itself to show “respect”. This is, of course, a good thing in most scenarios. Who would ever begrudge a club for organising a minute’s silence or applause on Remembrance Day or a black armband to mark the death of a former player? But away from the more traditional gestures, there is a good deal of posturing. Players not celebrating properly for scoring against former teams is tolerable, although absolutely fine – funnier, even – if not observed (Emmanuel Adebayor, anyone?!). The decision to cancel every top-flight match because of the death of Queen Elizabeth II last year was debatable. Now we have a new trend, with players (and Rio Ferdinand) avoiding stepping on club badges. It’s hard to know where this phenomenon started – certainly not with Ander Herrera in 2018 – but it is most religiously observed in Spain. Real Madrid’s players went out of their way to avoid stepping on the City badge before their Champions League match at the Etihad in April. This will no doubt trickle down the Premier League but if clubs and their fans feel they are disrespected when their crests are trodden on, perhaps stop placing them on the floor?

Chelsea remain a mess

A maddening transfer policy (approximately £1.1bn spent since the beginning of last season) has created chaos on and off the pitch at Chelsea, but some clever accounting (helped by contract amortisation and the sale of hotel buildings to a subsidiary of the owners’ parent company) has helped to keep the club viable. With a couple of notable exceptions, the latest big-money additions – Christopher Nkunku, Roméo Lavia, Robert Sánchez, Lesley Ugochukwu – have been underwhelming, sidelined or both, while many of those who departed have shone elsewhere. Mateo Kovacic is now a Premier League winner, Kai Havertz is one of the best forwards in England, Ian Maatsen will play in the Champions League final, while Christian Pulisic and Ruben Loftus-Cheek have lit up Serie A. Mauricio Pochettino’s reward for securing European football for next season could well be the sack. Ipswich, a rare feel-good success story, could end up losing their manager Kieran McKenna as a result. Chelsea’s transfer gurus, most of them pinched from Brighton, have decided that the best way to add to a young, inexperienced squad lacking leadership is to potentially spend another £50m on (admittedly brilliant) Brazilian 17-year-old Estêvão Willian while Conor Gallagher – a boyhood Chelsea fan, adored by the the Stamford Bridge faithful, who has been at the club since the age of seven and who has captained the side with aplomb – could well be sold because of FFP rules. At every level, Chelsea’s decisions beggar belief. Watching this car crash would be funny if their woeful choices didn’t set such a bad precedent.