Aston Villa v Arsenal. It’s about to kick off at Villa Park, and Barry Glendenning has the details. Thanks for reading this Clockwatch.

MATCH REPORT: Tottenham Hotspur 4-0 Everton. “It was an abject surrender,” observes Jacob Steinberg, “and the worry for Sean Dyche will be that losing the first two games of the season by an aggregate score of 7-0 suggests Everton are destined for another grim battle for survival.”

MATCH REPORT: Fulham 2-1 Leicester City. Emile Smith Rowe scored on his home debut as the Cottagers claimed their first points of the new campaign.

MATCH REPORT: Southampton 0-1 Nottingham Forest. “Russell Martin will plead patience but Southampton spluttered in front of their fans,” reports Simon Mail.

MATCH REPORT: Manchester City 4-1 Ipswich Town. “The journey from euphoria to desolation took 193 seconds for Ipswich,” begins Andy Hunter. “It can be a bad idea to aggravate the best team in the land.”

MATCH REPORT: Crystal Palace 0-2 West Ham United. “It was perhaps inevitable that it would be a Crystal Palace old boy that had the decisive say in this match,” writes Ed Aarons.

MATCH REPORT: Brighton & Hove Albion 2-1 Manchester United. “For United this was another performance that was probably better than equivalent games last season, but still far from good enough,” writes Jonathan Wilson. “The gains of the Dave Brailsford era have, so far, been a little too marginal.”

Scottish Premiership as it stands.

Championship as it stands.

Scottish Premiership full-times.

• Dundee United 2-0 St Johnstone

• Hibernian 2-2 Dundee

• Rangers 6-0 Ross County

Simon McMahon reports: “United go fifth. Apparently Skopje is very nice in July. Or Czech Republic, average temperature mid 20s, highest beer consumption per capita in Europe. Can’t wait.”

Championship full-times.

• Blackburn 2-1 Oxford

• Bristol City 1-1 Coventry

• Hull 0-0 Millwall

• Middlesbrough 2-2 Portsmouth

• Norwich 1-1 Sheffield United

• Preston 1-0 Luton

• QPR 1-1 Plymouth

• Stoke 1-2 West Brom

• Sunderland 1-0 Burnley

• Watford 2-1 Derby

GOAL! Rangers 6-0 Ross County (Danilo 90). As if the trip back up the A9 wasn’t going to be miserable enough already.

GOAL! Dundee United 2-0 St Johnstone (Sanders og 88). Simon McMahon now packing his sunblock and looking for his passport.

Fulham 2-1 Leicester. The Foxes are looking for a last-gasp equaliser as well, but don’t look like scoring.

Southampton 0-1 Nottingham Forest. Saints are pushing in the hope of securing a first point of the season, but Forest are sitting back and holding firm.

A diminuendo end to the afternoon. Not what Leicester or Southampton fans, desirous of late-equaliser news, want to hear.

Manchester City 3-1 Ipswich Town. İlkay Gündoğan is back, baby. He replaces Savinho to make his second debut for City.

GOAL! Rangers 5-0 Ross County (Matondo 69). Cyriel Dessers already has one; now there’s a brace for Rabbi Matondo as well.

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Everton. James Maddison whistles a free kick inches wide. That would have put the nix on any possible Everton comeback.

GOAL! Rangers 4-0 Ross County (Lawrence 65). The majority in Hampden now en fête.

Crystal Palace 0-1 West Ham. When the Hammers were celebrating that goal, a pitchside screen fell on a nearby ballboy. Thankfully he seems OK, with Tomas Soucek pulling him clear of danger just in time.

Crystal Palace 0-0 West Ham. Another debut to report: Aaron Wan-Bissaka comes on for the Hammers. There’s not a great deal else to say.

GOAL! Rangers 3-0 Ross County (Dessers 58). A second goal for Cyriel Dessers and the Gers are home and hosed against the Highlanders.

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Everton. Some more hope for Mary Waltz, Eric Peterson, Robin Cannon et al. Jesper Lindstrøm is on for his Everton debut and has already taken one promising whack at goal.

Aston Villa v Arsenal. The teams for tonight’s 5.30pm kick-off have dropped at Villa Park. Barry Glendenning is all over it.

GOAL! Dundee United 1-0 St Johnstone (Stephenson 54). Simon McMahon can start planning for his European tour.

Manchester City 3-1 Ipswich Town. Mateo Kovačić takes a boot up the Aristotle and can’t continue. He’s subbed off for John Stones, so no second debut for İlkay Gündoğan yet.

Southampton 0-0 Nottingham Forest. A slow start to the second half all round, really.

Fulham 1-1 Leicester. Woet Faes gets overly fancy with a back-heel and is dispossessed by Adama Traoré, who sets up Rodrigo Muniz … to miss.

Half-time Everton-infused postbag. “I know I’m too optimistic for my own good when it comes to supporting Everton, but Jarrad Branthwaite’s absence can’t be underestimated. It’ll make a real difference when he gets healthy. Because, you know, it’s not like he’s a transfer target or anything, especially from the folks across town ... oh …” – Eric Peterson

“Are Everton a flawed team? Absolutely. Does that mean we can’t ever show any ambition in a game? Not in the slightest. That’s entirely a self inflicted limitation” – Robin Cannon

“Easy there, Gregory Hilton. You come for Waltz, you come for us all” – Stephen Holliday

Scottish Premiership half-times.

• Dundee United 0-0 St Johnstone

• Hibernian 1-1 Dundee

• Rangers 2-0 Ross County

“A feisty first 45 at Tannadice,” begins Simon McMahon. “No goals and three bookings, meaning that as it stands Dundee United are still seventh in the table. One goal would change that, though. Then it would be a case of Europe here we come! Come on United!”

Championship half-times.

• Blackburn 1-1 Oxford

• Bristol City 1-1 Coventry (FT)

• Hull 0-0 Millwall (FT)

• Middlesbrough 1-2 Portsmouth

• Norwich 1-1 Sheffield United

• Preston 1-0 Luton

• QPR 1-1 Plymouth (FT)

• Stoke 1-2 West Brom

• Sunderland 1-0 Burnley

• Watford 1-1 Derby

Manchester City 3-1 Ipswich Town. Some role reversal at the Etihad. Leif Davis, who earlier gave away a penalty with a clip on Savinho, is now impeded by the same player in the City box. But he’s not getting a penalty, despite some clear contact. A generous decision goes the way of the champions.

GOAL! Rangers 2-0 Ross County (Matondo 45). Rabbi Matondo doubles the Teddy Bears’ lead on the stroke of half-time.

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Everton. A little bit of hope for Everton and Mary Waltz. Three corners in a row, and James Maddison is forced to hack a Abdoulaye Doucouré effort off the line.

Crystal Palace 0-0 West Ham. This is happening, just to be clear. “Why is Mary Waltz sighing? Hasn’t she watched Everton? This is how relegation-battling teams perform.” That zinger from Gregory Hilton, who may or may not be a Manchester United fan giving our Californian pal some payback for her quip of 3.08pm.

Fulham 1-0 Leicester. Wout Faes heads home from a corner, but it’s ruled out, Jamie Vardy judged to have been in an offside position while getting in Bernd Leno’s road. Or has it? The referee’s asked by VAR to pop across to the monitor.

Southampton 0-0 Nottingham Forest. Chris Wood whistles a low ball through the Saints box, and Nikola Milenkovic should put Forest ahead on his debut … but doesn’t. The rerun of the 1979 League Cup final remains goalless.

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Everton. Stephen Holliday writes: “Responding to Mary Waltz, just down the road from me here in Vegas, and as a Spurs fan, keep your head up, this is exactly how the game against Leicester on Monday was going.”

Stephen Holliday then adds: “OK, well I sent that just a second before Pickford did what Pickford does far too much of.”

Manchester City 3-1 Ipswich Town. Rico Lewis has an opportunity to make it four, but crashes his shot off the bar with the keeper totally out of the picture.

It’s hotting up at the Women’s Open at St Andrews, by the way. An early bogey for 36-hole leader Nelly Korda, an early birdie for last year’s runner-up Charley Hull, and suddenly the lead at the top is only one. The reigning champion Lilia Vu is hovering, too! Nothing to do with the Premier League football, admittedly, but I’ll be covering the final round live tomorrow afternoon, and I wanted to advertise that while I’ve got your attention. See you tomorrow, then! It’s a date!

-7: Korda (4)
-6: Hull (4)
-5: Shin (8), Vu (4)

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Everton. More from Mary Waltz, who is following events in north London from California. “I am settling in for a long tortuous Everton Match. Spurs have Jordan Pickford under siege. We were already parking the bus before the goal. I know Sean Dyche has few options, we have to play this way, but it is still so depressing. Sigh.”

GOAL! Rangers 1-0 Ross County (Dessers 18). The Staggies had an early chance, but it’s the hosts who take the lead at Hampden.

Manchester City 0-1 Ipswich Town. Some full debut for the former Blackburn striker Sammie Szmodics, who rolls the ball home slowly, dramatically. He scored 33 goals last season for Rovers in the Championship, and doesn’t look like stopping in the Premier League.

FULL TIME: Brighton & Hove Albion 2-1 Manchester United. “Scott, morning greetings from California.” Morning, Mary Waltz. “United lost to Brighton. ‘Shocking’, the familiar reaction from pundits and outrage from the United fan base. Why is anyone surprised? This is how mid-table clubs perform. And this has been MU’s form for the last few years. Win some, lose some, not ‘shocking’ at all.”

The comments section under the match report is ticking over nicely, you’ll be unsurprised to hear.

A couple of early goals in the Championship. Ebou Adams has given Derby a second-minute lead at Watford, while Christian Saydee has done the same thing for Portsmouth at Middlesbrough. But the most impressive second-minute goal of the day has been scored by Jack Turner for Queen’s Park at Airdrie, impressive because news of it came through just before the clock ticked over to 3.01pm. Some sort of time portal discovered in North Lanarkshire?

It’s Saturday 3pm! Whistles ring out all across the land. Here we go, then.

FULL TIME: Brighton & Hove Albion 2-1 Manchester United. Jonathan Wilson was at the Amex this lunchtime to witness Brighton, who have now won five of their last six league meetings with United, get yet another slice of revenge for the 1983 FA Cup final. Here’s his verdict.

Let us repair to Scotland, where Simon McMahon awaits. “Hello Scott! Hello Clockwatchers! Dundee United v St Johnstone at Tannadice today. United, with draws in their opening two league games, are unchanged after their victory over St Mirren in the Scottish League Cup last week, meaning another start in midfield for Kevin De Bruyne Holt. A win would see Jim Goodwin’s men leapfrog their visitors into the top six, and dreaming of Europe. Hey, it’s still August, so dreams are allowed, right? Today’s other SPL fixtures include Rangers v Ross County and Hibs v Dundee.”

It’s not the last we’ll hear of Simon today, I’ll be bound.

There’s also an early batch of results in from the Championship …

• Bristol City 1-1 Coventry City

• Hull City 0-0 Millwall

• QPR 1-1 Plymouth

… and League One …

• Burton Albion 0-0 Stevenage

• Stockport County 2-0 Bristol Rovers

… and finally League Two.

• Crewe 0-0 Swindon

• Tranmere 1-0 Walsall

That’s a decent draw for Plymouth, partly because they lost their last away fixture 4-0, at Sheffield Wednesday, but mainly because they ended today’s game at Loftus Road with just nine men on the pitch.

FULL TIME: Brighton & Hove Albion 2-1 Manchester United. The first Premier League result of the day is in. Joao Pedro’s injury-time winner makes it two out of two for Fabian Hürzeler. Brighton keep pulling managerial geniuses out of the hat.