West Ham United v Manchester City. It’s kicked off at the London Stadium. Barry Glendenning is all over it. Thanks for reading this Clockwatch.

MATCH REPORT: Brentford 3-1 Southampton. Ivan Toney, watching on before departing for Al-Ahli, saw his old team-mates miss him not one jot.

MATCH REPORT: Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers. “Forest can be gratified to be undefeated and playing with momentum, but Nuno will expect a greater conversion rate considering the attacking quality at his disposal,” writes Peter Lansley at the City Ground.

MATCH REPORT: Ipswich Town 1-1 Fulham. “The conclusion from a hard-fought, helter-skelter draw in which Ipswich were often the better team is that they have the talent and spirit to stay up,” observes John Brewin at Portman Road.

MATCH REPORT: Everton 2-3 Bournemouth. Will Unwin, who will have earned his corn at Goodison after that, reports on a ground falling “from delirium to silence” only to pick up again with “boos at full-time for Sean Dyche.”

MATCH REPORT: Leicester City 1-2 Aston Villa. “There was a buoyant mood among the Villa contingent long before they recorded an eventful victory at Leicester,” reports Ben Fisher from the King Power.

There’s still more Premier League action to come, in the shape of West Ham United v Manchester City. Barry Glendenning has everything you need.

Post-collapse postbag … and the Clockwatch community rallies round in Mary Waltz’s hour of need.

“Thoughts and prayers etc, Mary Waltz” – Simon McMahon
“Poor Mary Waltz. Thoughts and prayers, poor dear” – Angelo Puglisi
“I fear for Mary Walsh’s well-being” – Mike MacKenzie
“Mary Waltz’s comedown off her hallucinogens has begun” – Richard Wilkinson

Finally, from Mary herself: “This is a foreshadowing of hell. Only Everton can collapse like this. Sigh.”

Stay strong, Mary. Still 35 matches to go.

Scottish Premiership full-times.

• Dundee 2-2 St Mirren

• St Johnstone 1-2 Motherwell

Championship full-times.

• Burnley 1-1 Blackburn Rovers

• Cardiff City 0-2 Middlesbrough

• Coventry City 0-1 Norwich City

• Derby County 3-0 Bristol City

• Leeds United 2-0 Hull City

• Millwall 3-0 Sheffield Wednesday

• Oxford United 3-1 Preston North End

• Plymouth Argyle 0-1 Stoke City

• Portsmouth 1-3 Sunderland

• West Bromwich Albion 1-0 Swansea City

Everton 2-2 Bournemouth. The Cherries continue to carve out chances. Everton suddenly hanging on for a point!

Leicester 1-2 Aston Villa. Youri Tielemans and Jamie Vardy come together in the Villa box. The hosts want a penalty, but the tackle’s good.

Everton 2-1 Bournemouth. The hosts suddenly look nervous. They should have been home and hosed, but with six minutes of injury time to play, this is on. “Don’t worry Joe Pearson (4.12pm),” begins Zach Neeley. “Next week will be a new handball interpretation, only the moon changes more consistently. (‘It looked like a half crescent to me but VAR disagrees.’)“

Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolves. Nope. No goal. VAR confirms the offside.

Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolves. Some pinball in the Forest box. Chris Wood scores what looks like a winner …. but the flag pops up for offside. VAR to take a look.

In lieu of late Premier League drama, here’s Kári Tulinius with some nerve-jangling action from Germany. “Today’s Bundesliga thriller was Stuttgart v Mainz, which ended 3-3, with the Carnival Club equalizing in the fourth minute of extra time. As a fan of the Swabians this made my heart sink, but I have to admit that this was a good show for the neutrals. Now excuse me while I go fish my heart back out of the depths.”

Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolves. Now it’s Wolverhampton’s turn to scream for a penalty, as the ball pings off Chris Wood’s arm. This one doesn’t look quite so obvious, not that it stops Gary O’Neil raging hard.

Ipswich 1-1 Fulham. Not a great deal going on at Portman Road, despite Liam Delap’s best efforts. “Obviously, someone dosed my morning coffee,” writes Mary Waltz, who in the spirit of the current 1990s revivalism, has embraced trippy hedonism. “It has to be a hallucination; my TV is showing Everton with a two-goal lead.”

Leicester 0- 1 Aston Villa. Oliver Skipp and Harry Winks combine to set up Jamie Vardy, who scores … but it won’t count, because the ball hit hapless referee David Coote during the build-up. What a fiasco.

Lull-in-action postbag. “Have we come full circle on handball in a very short time?” wonders Joe Pearson. “Seems like just a season or so ago, even the slightest graze of the arm in the box was a penalty. Now, even the obvious ones go unpunished. I have absolutely no clue anymore.” Welcome to my world, which I’ve inhabited since about 1993. Meanwhile Mary Waltz responds to Everton’s opener: “Hey, we scored! Baby steps, baby steps.”

More from Scotland, this time from Simon McMahon. “It gives me no pleasure to have to say it, but Dundee are clearly in free fall already after the sale of Luke McCowan to Celtic yesterday. As things stands they are now behind United and in the bottom six, having played a game more. Frankly, it’ll be a miracle if they stay up.”

Scottish Premiership half-times.

• Dundee 1-2 St Mirren

• St Johnstone 0-1 Motherwell

“Having given the Jambos a skelping last week, Well are up at McDiarmid Park,” reports James Humphires. “Not at the game so can’t know for sure, but given it was Dan Casey who scored I would put a tenner on a header, possibly even a thumping one.”

Championship half-times.

• Burnley 1-1 Blackburn Rovers (FT)

• Cardiff City 0-2 Middlesbrough (FT)

• Coventry City 0-1 Norwich City (FT)

• Derby County 1-0 Bristol City

• Leeds United 0-0 Hull City

• Millwall 0-0 Sheffield Wednesday

• Oxford United 1-1 Preston North End

• Plymouth Argyle 0-0 Stoke City

• Portsmouth 0-1 Sunderland

• West Bromwich Albion 1-0 Swansea City

Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolves. It was Jørgen Strand Larsen’s arm that moved towards the ball. On Sky, both Paul Merson and referee expert Mike Dean think a penalty should have been awarded. Wolves get away with one as half-time looms.

Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolves. A possible penalty? The ball pings off a Wolves elbow with Chris Wood lurking, but neither referee nor VAR shows any interest.

Leicester 0-1 Aston Villa. Caleb Okoli passes up a good opportunity for an equaliser, and a glorious debut goal. It would have been against the run of play.

Ipswich 1-1 Fulham. Ipswich should have been 2-0 up; now Fulham should be leading 2-1. Such is football. Rodrigo Muniz doing what Liam Delap did earlier, in failing to plant a header.

Everton 0-0 Bournemouth. Iliman Ndiaye spins and shoots, only to be denied by Kepa’s first big save for his new club. The hosts well on top, but without the necessary cutting edge so far.

Ipswich 1-0 Fulham. It should be two goals for Liam Delap, and two assists for Lief Davis, but the former can’t glance the latter’s corner home.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 1-1 Brighton & Hove Albion. “We started the game really well,” Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta tells TNT Sports. “We scored the goal, 1-0. We started the second half really good but then there is the decision that changes the game completely. “If it [second yellow card] happens throughout the game in a consistent way it is fine but it didn’t. It is the inconsistency.” On this subject, and inspired by the work of Mary Waltz (3.05pm), Zach Neely has penned this little playlet:

Refs: Rules are rules
[points out a different rule they just didn’t follow]
Refs: Not that one

Everton 0-0 Bournemouth. A couple of early half-chances for Dominic Calvert-Lewin. The hosts the better team during the early exchanges, but the Cherries are hanging on.

Brentford 0-0 Southampton. Al-Ahli-bound Ivan Toney is in the building. Sat behind the dugout giving his former team-mates all the support. There aren’t any plans for an ostentatious send-off, apparently.

No early goals. Poor old Declan Rice, though, eh. “Never give a Premier League official the opportunity to be a petty martinet,” writes Mary Waltz. “‘Rules are rules’ is what they live for.”

While we wait for the first meaningful action of the Premier League, let us repair to Scotland, where Simon McMahon awaits. “Scotland’s game of the day is, eh, tomorrow as Celtic face bitter rivals Rangers Dundee United travel to face a struggling Hearts side at Tynecastle. Struggling until they play us, no doubt. Today, Dundee are at home to St Mirren but will be without star man Luke McCowan, who joined Celtic yesterday. Shame. Today’s other games are Ross County v Aberdeen and St Johnstone, who were spanked 2-0 last week at Tannadice, v Motherwell.”

It’s Saturday 3pm! Whistles ring out all across the land. Here we go, then.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 1-1 Brighton & Hove Albion. Ed Aarons was at the Emirates to see Declan Rice pick up two daft yellows and Mikel Arteta give referee Chris Kavanagh his views on the matter in the full-disclosure style. Here’s his verdict.

… so here’s what the Premier League looks like going into today’s 3pms. Should Forest stick four past Wolves without reply, they’ll go top, top, top … for a couple of hours at least. It’s almost as if none of this really means anything until November or so, but hey, you try filling up the internet at 2.43pm on a Saturday in August.

There’s also an early batch of results in from the Championship …

• Burnley 1-1 Blackburn Rovers

• Cardiff City 0-2 Middlesbrough

• Coventry City 0-1 Norwich City

… and League One …

• Blackpool 2-2 Wycombe Wanderers

• Rotherham United 2-1 Huddersfield Town

… and finally League Two.

• Gillingham 1-0 Chesterfield

• Port Vale 2-3 Doncaster Rovers

A street-fighting draw for Blackburn in the Cotton Mills derby. Rovers lost Makhtar Gueye to two yellow cards, the second picked up by miming a request for the referee to book Burnley’s Maxime Esteve. And there’s Declan Rice thinking his sending off was needless enough.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 1-1 Brighton & Hove Albion. The first Premier League result of the day is in. The Gunners were leading at half-time, but Declan Rice daftly/controversially (delete according to taste) picked up a second yellow card and Brighton took advantage to level up. That’s seven points from nine for both Mikel Arteta and Fabian Hürzeler, and it’s fairly obvious who’ll be the happier. Barry Glendenning has the minute-by-minute details.

KEVIN CAMPBELL (1970-2024). “It will be an emotional day at Goodison paying tribute to a Blue gone far too soon, Super Kevin Campbell,” writes Gary Naylor. “A couple of years ago, I called a phone-in on Talksport when he was the guest pundit. I told him that my father, quite frail by this time, had seen him in his bow tie on television, stretched out an unexpectedly bony finger, and said: ‘We owe him everything.’ He was moved I think - I know I was. If someone, anyone, is important to you, tell them - the chance may not come again. RIP Super Kev.”