Righto, that’s us done here. I’ll be back for what are highly likely to be the final knockings in about twelve hours or so. Here’s the report from Hamilton as England hold their breath on Ben Stokes and his hamstring and New Zealand close in on victory.

Thanks for your company, goodbye.

Spare a thought for Zak Crawley, he’s been pocketed six (SIX) times out of six to Matt Henry in this series. He joins a err ‘select’ list in so doing.

Ntini v Hayden, Pollock v Ganga, Hadlee v Matthews. Henry v Crawley might trump them all. The opener mustering just ten runs from the Kiwi seamer for his six dismissals. I’ve been watching Wolf Hall and am trying to crowbar a joke about Henry and the number SIX but I’ve been awake since 1am and my brain simply won’t allow it. Am sure it’s in there somewhere though.

A chastening day for England, they lost Ben Stokes to what looks to be a recurrence of his hamstring injury and were then bludgeoned to all parts of Seddon Park by the New Zealand middle order.

Ducket and Crawley are back in the sheds and there are two days left in the match with the weather set fair. Christmas miracle anyone?

5th over: England 18-2 (Bethell 8, Root 0) Joe Root comes back for the final over of the day. Will O’Rourke is going to bowl it.

Bethell looks assured, leaving on length and then striding into the ball and picking up a single to cover. Ooohs and ahhhs behind the stump as Crawley leaves a couple outside off…

4th over: England 17-1 (Crawley 5, Bethell 8) Sun out at Seddon Park and shadows lengthening. Crawley attempts a flat footed drive outside off and is lucky not to chop on like his opening partner. Eeeeesh! A booming drive follows but the ball snakes between bat and pad. Brilliant maiden from Southee. Two more overs left in the day.

3rd over: England 17-1 (Crawley 5, Bethell 8) Crawley nudges a single to get off strike and away from Henry. He chooses, wisely. Shot(s)! Bethell pings two consecutive drives down the ground for four. It ain’t dull.

2nd over: England 8-1 (Crawley 4, Bethell 0) Southee has the ball full and hooping. Bethell does well to block out the final two balls of the over. The veteran has his dander up in his final Test.

1st over: England 4-0 (Crawley 4, Duckett 0) Crawley is given OUT to a Matt Henry nip-backer but the review saves him! The ball tracking has the ball skimming just over the top of the bails. Breathe Zak, breathe! Fantastic first over from Henry, toying with the opener like a cat with a ball of wool.

Tim Southee takes the field for his last bowling innings as a Test match cricketer. His wife and three children look on as he leads the team out and hugs each and every teammate as they stride out to the middle. Duckett and Crawley come out for England. Matt Henry licks his lips as Crawley takes his guard. Can the Kiwi seamer pocket the England opener again and make it six from six for the series? Let’s find out.

100th over: New Zealand 452-8 (Blundell 43, Southee 2) There’s a huge SIX smeared into the leg side… but it is from the blade of Tom Blundell.

100th over: New Zealand 444-8 (Blundell 36, Southee 1) Southee nudges a single to begin his final Test innings. Can he get the two sixes he needs to rack up the ton and go level with Adam Gilchrist? Brendon McCullum’s 107 sixes might be an ask too far…

99th over: New Zealand 423-7 (Blundell 36, Santner 33) Santner tries to launch Bashir but can’t connect. Just a single off the over. New Zealand will have to weigh up the declaration with having a dart at England this eve whilst also maybe giving Tim Southee an opportunity to rack up 100 sixes in Test cricket. Decisions, decisions.

98th over: New Zealand 422-7 (Blundell 36, Santner 32) Bish Bash and indeed Bosh. Santner carts Potts for a four and a six into the leg side to take the lead to 626 runs. Time for a drink, why not?

97th over: New Zealand 411-7 (Blundell 36, Santner 21) Three runs off Bashir. So, doing anything nice for Christmas?

96th over: New Zealand 408-7 (Blundell 35, Santner 19) Potts stitches together a maiden. It’s been confirmed that play will start at 10:30am Local time tomorrow, half an hour earlier to make up for the wet weather earlier today. New Zealand might still be batting.

95th over: New Zealand 408-7 (Blundell 35, Santner 19) On we go. Shoaib Bashir into his 33rd over. Darts the ball in at Blundell, not allowing the batter to get under and smear him away. Matthew Potts is coming on to take the new ball out of Harry Brook’s clammy paw.

94th over: New Zealand 405-7 (Blundell 33, Santner 18) England have given Harry Brook the new ball. He’ll be telling his grandkids about this. You feel for them already. His first ball with the dark red orb is driven handsomely for four by Tom Blundell. Daft sport.

93rd over: New Zealand 398-7 (Blundell 27, Santner 17) Santner slams Bashir for four over extra cover and New Zealand’s lead is now past the 600 mark. Gulp. Only one thing for it… another over from Harry Brook.

92nd over: New Zealand 393-7 (Blundell 27, Santner 13) Harry Brook comes on to bowl his severley watered down Mike Procter filth. David Gower is gently disparaging of his bowling action on the tv commentary. Santner gets his bearings and then flames another SIX down the ground where an exuberant youth takes a catch on the grass banks and celebrates with wild abandon. Good hands tbf.

91st over: New Zealand 387-7 (Blundell 27, Santner 7) Shot! Santner plays one of the shots of the day, launching Bashir straight for SIX.

90th over: New Zealand 380-6 (Blundell 27, Phillips 3) It’s all so quiet. Two runs off Bethell.

And so peaceful until…

89th over: New Zealand 378-6 (Blundell 26, Phillips 2) A couple nurdled off Bashir.

88th over: New Zealand 376-6 (Blundell 24, Phillips 1) Glenn Phillips is the new batter, wonder if Tim Southee is strapping them on as we speak.

“Plenty watching the game here in rainy Bali, Bintang and book to hand.” Writes Mark Pentland. “Please explain why Pope hasn’t taken the new ball yet? Giving the spinners a go? Resting the quicks? This is painful.”

The new ball can fly off the bat Mark but am not sure England’s spinners are doing much to stem the flow either. We’re very much in to declaration territory. The lead is 582 runs! The light is starting to fade, I’d be tempted to take it now and force the umpires hand, maybe England can get some respite that way. Coward, me?

87th over: New Zealand 368-5 (Mitchell 54, Blundell 24) Mitchell sweeps Bashir powerfully for four. Rehan almost loses his trews as he dives in vain to prevent it. The camera pans to Tim Southee who is in his tracksuit. Is he really not going to come in for a valedictory swipe?

86th over: New Zealand 364-5 (Mitchell 50, Blundell 24) Daryl Mitchell is so lucky not to chop a reverse-sweep onto his stumps but somehow the ball flies past the off bail without dislodging it. A couple of balls later Mitchell nurdles a single to go to fifty. He’s played very nicely and is a dangerous player to have to bowl at with a declaration on the boil.

85th over: New Zealand 361-5 (Mitchell 48, Blundell 23) Mitchell gets in on the fun, he trots out of his crease and crunches a straight SIX down the ground.

India in trouble over at the Gabba. Rain and wickets falling…

84th over: New Zealand 352-5 (Mitchell 40, Blundell 22) SIX more down the ground from Blundell, England persisting with spin and the old ball.

83rd over: New Zealand 345-5 (Mitchell 39, Blundell 16) Blundell opens the shoulders, driving Bashir down the ground for four and then smearing for SIX down the ground! Twelve pilfered off the over as they take a drink in Hamilton. England need a stiff one.

82nd over: New Zealand 333-5 (Mitchell 38, Blundell 5) Glenn Phillips is padded up on the Kiwi balcony, suggesting there’s no declaration imminent. Unless it is a cunning ruse. Tim Southee, in his final Test, needs two sixes to notch 100 in Test cricket too. We might see a guard of honour for the seam bowling stalwart with bat in hand yet.

81st over: New Zealand 330-5 (Mitchell 38, Blundell 2) Plenty going on in Bashir’s latest over as Pope goes upstairs to have a look at a caught behing off a Blundell reverse-sweep. The review is still not Pope’s friend, the ball game off the batter’s toe and so England lose another. Darly Mitchell is then caught by Harry Brook at slip but the third umpire takes a look and decides it was pouched on the bounce. It was a muted appeal by Brook which suggests it could be the correct decision. On we go.

80th over: New Zealand 329-5 (Mitchell 38, Blundell 1) Bethell rattles through the 80th over but Ollie Pope ain’t interested in taking the new ball. Not yet at least.

79th over: New Zealand 327-5 (Mitchell 37, Blundell 0) One over til the new ball can be taken. Tom Blundell is the new batter, these two like batting together and England ruddy well know it. The lead is officially A LOT.

78th over: New Zealand 325-4 (Williamson 155, Mitchell 36) The commentators go in to great detail about Kane Williamson and his passion for coffee. Apparently he’s a dab hand at ‘latte art’ and takes his own espresso machine on tour. We’re a long way from Alec Stewart and his suitcase of Heinz Baked Beans eh?

77th over: New Zealand 322-4 (Williamson 153, Mitchell 35) Runs flowing at Seddon Park. England doing well to keep chipper despite staring down the barrel and with Stokes absent.

They are back on at the Gabba and India are in trouble with the bat. The man who laughs in the face of sleep, Rob Smyth, is on the tools for that one.

76th over: New Zealand 318-4 (Williamson 150, Mitchell 34) Kane Williamson goes to 150! Consecutive lofted drives off Bethell skim away to the fence and New Zealand press ever so politely on England’s throat.

75th over: New Zealand 308-4 (Williamson 142, Mitchell 32) More toil for England as three boundaries are collected off Bashir’s latest, two of them to Mitchell who dabs and reverse sweeps to the fence. Williamson picks up four of his own through cover to leave himself needing one more run to average 100 at Seddon Park. Head down for the red inker after that mind… the lead is over 500.

74th over: New Zealand 294-4 (Williamson 136, Mitchell 24) Williamson presses on the gas with his dainty size 8s. Bethell tosses up and is driven over cover for four.

73rd over: New Zealand 288-4 (Williamson 130, Mitchell 23) Bashir whirls away and is pocketed for three singles.

Michael Gourlay emails in and ‘admits’ what we all knew to be true already…

“I’m an Australian old enough to remember the joys of England’s Ashes trip to Australia in 1974-75 when a couple of fellows called Lillee and Thomson had some fun and the scoreline was 4-0 Australia’s way after 5 tests (from memory the Australian team gave England the 6th test to allow the English side some respectability).

For some reason since then I seem to get more joy seeing England lose a test match than Australia win one. I have spent more time on this Guardian blog today than I have on Australia vs India. Also does Tom Van der Gucht win a prize for funniest blog contribution of 2024 with his “sniff of a hint of a chance” from earlier today. Maybe he’s right and Stokes will do a Glenn Maxwell and make a heroic 201 not out with a dodgy leg?”

Happy to have you Michael, but how bereft will you be when England do knock these runs off and claim a new Test record? Ahem.

72nd over: New Zealand 285-4 (Williamson 129, Mitchell 22) Bethell gives it some flight and relinquishes just a couple of singles off the over. England are plugging away but New Zealand hold all the cards, the lead is approaching 500 and there are two full days and a session left in the match.

71st over: New Zealand 283-4 (Williamson 128, Mitchell 21) Mitch Santner will be peering down through his Deidre Barlow varifocals at this pitch with some interest. It’s starting to break up a little and offer some some sharp turn.

70th over: New Zealand 280-4 (Williamson 127, Mitchell 19) Nearly! Bethell from the other end and he gets some turn and bounce off the wicket, the advancing Williamson has to use every ounce of his hand/eye coordination to get bat on ball at the last and dab away. A stumping looked very much in the offing. Williamson offers the bowler an apologetic shrug and a smile.

69th over: New Zealand 276-4 (Williamson 124, Mitchell 18) Shoaib Bashir starts the session and there’s a vociferous appeal first ball for an lbw to Williamson. Pope sends it upstairs but there’s nowt doing for England as the impact was way outside off.

The players return to the field in watery sunshine as Ali sends an official update on the Stokes injury situation:

Ben Stokes Update

England captain Ben Stokes, who left the field during the middle session on day three of the third Test at Seddon Park, is currently receiving treatment for a left hamstring issue. He will not return to the field in this innings and will undergo further assessment to determine his availability to bat in England’s second innings.”

A word on Kane Williamson, who went to his 33rd Test century in that session. Take a look at his record on home turf, don’t read on if you are susceptible to nose bleeds.

52 Matches

20 Hundreds

Average: 67.22

I would direct you over the ditch to Brisbane for Australia v India but it turns out that it is chucking it down at the Gabba. What’s with all this Antipodean precipitation?

68th over: New Zealand 274-4 (Williamson 123, Mitchell 18) Bethell is bowling a leg stump line, Williamson sweeps fine, very fine, the ball races away for four but is given as byes. Hard lines, Kane.

That’s tea, folks.

36 overs in the session, 138 runs added by New Zealand for just one wicket, Rachin Ravindra. The more seismic news as far as England are concerned is the fact Ben Stokes looks to have done his hamstring once again. Rotten luck for the England captain.

The lead stands at a chunky 478 runs as Williamson and Mitchell amble off the park to put their feet up for 20 minutes.

67th over: New Zealand 265-4 (Williamson 119, Mitchell 17) Bashir drops short and Williamson doesn’t miss out, rocking back and splatting through square leg for four. We’ll have one more over before tea and Jacob Bethell is going to bowl it.

66th over: New Zealand 259-4 (Williamson 113, Mitchell 17) Potts is on the button, just a single off his latest as the respite of the tea break approaches for England.

65th over: New Zealand 258-4 (Williamson 112, Mitchell 17) A paddle sweep from Mitchell sees him pick up a clever boundary and he follows up with a reverse for four more. England hurting, the runs taking New Zealand out of sight and they’ve lost their captain to what looks like a bad recurrence of his hamstring injury. Merry bloody Christmas.

64th over: New Zealand 250-4 (Williamson 112, Mitchell 9) Potts steams in and nearly picks up Williamson, the ball sticking in the pitch slightly as the batter’s booming drive whistles in the air just out of reach for a return catch. *Andrex soft hands from Kane as he glides down to deep third and Mitchell swats a single into the leg side to take the lead to 450.

*Other loo roll is available but might not be as double quilted as Kane Williamson’s late cut.

63rd over: New Zealand 248-4 (Williamson 111, Mitchell 8) Williamson cuts for a couple off Bashir to take the lead past 450. Just one more single off the over with a nurdle into the covers. It’s gone a bit gloomy again in Hamilton, anoraks and fleeces being reached for on the grass banks.

62nd over: New Zealand 245-4 (Williamson 108, Mitchell 8) Mitchell tickles Potts off his hip and away for four. He then goes for a wild drive but connects only with fresh Hamilton air. Mitchell reins himself in a little and Potts joins the dots for the rest of the over.

61st over: New Zealand 241-4 (Williamson 108, Mitchell 4) Sharp turn from Bashir albeit from way outside off stump, Williamson is surprised and gets a glove on it as it spits back at him. Harry Brook wrong-footing himself in anticipation and the ball ploops into the void between his left hand and Pope’s right. Two runs collected and the lead up to 445 for the home side.

60th over: New Zealand 239-4 (Williamson 106, Mitchell 4) Daryl ‘Moose’ Mitchell is not who you want to see striding to the middle with your side 430-odd runs to the pump and with your talismanic captain off the field injured. He duly clubs Potts over cover for four runs off his second ball. Ouch.

59th over: New Zealand 235-3 (Williamson 105, Ravindra 42) Spoiler alert, Virat Kohli has just got out over in Brisbane but the last few weeks have seen each member of the ‘Fab Four’ notch a ton. The guard isn’t changing just yet.

Bashir gets some bounce and turn to Ravindra, the batter getting in a tizz as he comes out of his ground and then has to change his shot as Bashir sees him coming.

58th over: New Zealand 232-3 (Williamson 105, Ravindra 42)

Kane Williamson goes to his 33rd Test century by lofting Jacob Bethell down the ground for SIX! He raises his arms in as undemonstrative fashion as possible and embraces his partner in batting. That’s his seventh ton on this ground too, he averages a lick over 97 at Seddon Park.

He dances down to drive Bashir for four more, maybe New Zealand have got the declaration on the mind?

57th over: New Zealand 220-3 (Williamson 94, Ravindra 41) Ollie Pope takes the captaincy reins once more as New Zealand’s lead stretches to 424. Ravindra cuts Bashir for four and then carts a shorter ball away for SIX over midwicket. England will now need to pull off the highest fourth innings chase in Test history. No, you stop it.

56th over: New Zealand 210-3 (Williamson 94, Ravindra 31) Jacob Bethell finishes Stokes’ over with some serviceable left-arm spin. There’s a grim hush around Seddon Park, such rotten luck for Ben Stokes. Fingers crossed it was more of a twinge than a tear.

55th over: New Zealand 201-3 (Williamson 91, Ravindra 25) Williamson goes back to cut Bashir and gets another thick edge that races away for four this time. He’s into the 90s and New Zealand’s lead is over 400.

54th over: New Zealand 197-3 (Williamson 87, Ravindra 25) Thanks Rob and hello all. Christmas tree twinklin’ and coffee slurpin’ here in South London. Could be a Nirvana t-shirt…

Stokes bustles in and slams one short, Kane Williamson gets a meaty edge on it off an attempted pull and is DROPPED by Pope behind the stumps! Tough chance diving away to his left down the leg side, needed it to stick in the webbing but tipped it round the post instead. Stokes flashes a wry smile.

53rd over: New Zealand 195-3 (Williamson 86, Ravindra 24) Williamson, so quick on his feet against Bashir, skids back to push a single to mid-off. I was going to say he was hitting against the spin but then I remember Duncan Fletcher’s geometry lesson.

I wonder what Fletcher would make of Bashir. He wouldn’t care much for his batting, that’s for sure, or for the long hop that Ravindra has just carted for four. That’s the first really bad ball from Bashir today.

Right, it’s time for me to tag in Jim Wallace for the rest of the day. Bye!

52nd over: New Zealand 187-3 (Williamson 85, Ravindra 17) Carse off, Stokes on, with a slip and gully in place for Williamson. This is his 35th over of the game, the most he’s bowled since the Trent Bridge Test of 2022. That’s a really encouraging sign for England ahead of their big year.

Williamson works a single off the pads. I doubt Stokes will mind this as he’ll want an early crack at Ravindra. After timing a square drive that doesn’t beat one of the three men in the covers, Ravindra chases a less full delivery and is beaten. Clever bowling.

50th over: New Zealand 180-3 (Williamson 80, Ravindra 15) The Carse-Ravindra contest resumes – but only for two balls, with Ravindra taking a quick single on the off side. There was a whiff of a run-out chance but Williamson made his ground, and the throw missed anyway.

Carse decides to continue round the wicket to the right-handed Williamson, which is rare a sign of benevolent intent. Williamson pulls a single to bring up a fifty partnership that he has dominated.

That might be it for Carse after a menacing spell of 5-1-13-0.

49th over: New Zealand 176-3 (Williamson 79, Ravindra 13) Four from the over, which extends the lead to precisely 380.

48th over: New Zealand 172-3 (Williamson 77, Ravindra 11) Carse, and I say this with only love, can be a nasty piece of work with the ball in hand. He’s doing everything he can to unsettle Ravindra, who ignores the sledging and then pulls majestically in front of square for four. That’s the cue for Carse to give him an even bigger mouthful.

“That ball was smashing middle and leg,” says Brian Withington. “‘Umpire’s call’ is what needs trimming.”

Could you make the margin of error a third rather than half? Would that work? I’m loath to jump to prescriptions because I know the square root of bugger all about how the technology works, particularly how reliable it is (and therefore the minimum margin of error that is required).

Meanwhile, things are happening in Brisbane…

47th over: New Zealand 168-3 (Williamson 77, Ravindra 7) Williamson dances down to flick Bashir over midwicket for four, though it didn’t clear the leaping fielder by much. It was Ben Stokes, trying to pull off another of his ‘no, no way’ catches.

46th over: New Zealand 163-3 (Williamson 73, Ravindra 6) A maiden from Carse, who is back at it after a relatively poor first-innings performance.

Williamson is not out! He was hit just above the kneeroll as he tried to play back. Here comes the replay… yep, umpire’s call. It was more than just a bail-trimmer so Carse might feel slightly aggrieved.

England review! Williamson survives a huge LBW shout after being smacked on the pad by a big nipbacker from Carse. England are going upstairs. It’s all about the bounce; my hunch is this’ll be umpire’s call and therefore not out.

45th over: New Zealand 163-3 (Williamson 73, Ravindra 6) Bashir has a slip and leg slip for Ravindra, with a tight line from round the wicket. Ravindra skids back to take a cut off middle stump, though he doesn’t beat the cover fielder. It feels like something has to give here; Ravindra, such a beautiful strokeplayer, is 6 not out from 42 balls.

44th over: New Zealand 162-3 (Williamson 72, Ravindra 6) Carse goes round the wicket to Ravindra, who shows good judgement to leave a ball angled back into him. Carse has a few words, trying to rip Ravindra from his bubble. It works, albeit without the reward England wanted, when Ravindra throws his hands at the next ball and drags it back down the pitch. I suspect he would have left that had Carse said nothing to him.

43rd over: New Zealand 161-3 (Williamson 71, Ravindra 6) Ravindra pushes tentatively at Bashir and edges wide of slip for a couple. There’s some bit for Bashir and he looks quite threatening, especially to the left-handed Ravindra.

42nd over: New Zealand 159-3 (Williamson 71, Ravindra 4) A double bowling change, as is Ben Stokes’ wont at the moment, with Carse on for Atkinson. Williamson tries to attack a short ball, gets in an ungainly position and slashes it over gully for four. He has another moment of fortune when he tries to cut a ball that is too close for the shot and whooshes past the stumps. A promising start from Carse, who like O’Rourke should be an unpleasant proposition on this slightly uneven pitch.

41st over: New Zealand 155-3 (Williamson 67, Ravindra 4) Shoaib Bashir comes on for Potts, probably with the left-handed Ravindra in mind more than Williamson. That said, his fourth ball growls towards Williamson from well outside off stump. A less accomplished batsman would probably have dragged that onto the stumps. Williamson managed to jump back in his crease and force it out of harm’s way.

40th over: New Zealand 151-3 (Williamson 64, Ravindra 3) Now Williamson has to deal with some low bounce from Atkinson, jabbing down on a ball that might otherwise have disturbed his furniture. If England knew the bounce would be this uneven on the third morning they would surely have batted first.

39th over: New Zealand 151-3 (Williamson 64, Ravindra 3) The commentator’s curse almost strikes when Williamson fresh-airs an attempted cut off Potts. Their head-to-head record, since you asked, is now 28 runs and four wickets. Williamson was three for the before this gme.

38th over: New Zealand 150-3 (Williamson 63, Ravindra 3) Ravindra, who remains almost strokeless against the fuller ball, comes to life when Atkinson digs one in. But his attempted pull stroke is mistimed and dribbles to midwicket.

Another maiden. Ravindra has 3 from 25 balls, a sign of his determination to make his first significant score of the series. Williamson has 63 from 79 and is making batting look easy.

37th over: New Zealand 150-3 (Williamson 63, Ravindra 3) An errant short ball from Potts is helped round the corner for four more by Williamson. He looks nailed on for a century, though I thought the same in both innings at Christchurch and it didn’t happen.

Potts’ last delivery spits unpleasantly at Williamson, who does superbly to get on top of the ball and drop it safely on the off side. Honestly, the thought of facing Will O’Rourke on this pitch, chasing 500+ to win…

36th over: New Zealand 146-3 (Williamson 59, Ravindra 3) The ball isn’t moving as much as England would have hoped with the floodlights on, especially after Potts’ first ball of the day promised so much. Nothing much happens in Atkinson’s second over, just a single to Williamson. New Zealand lead by 350.

35th over: New Zealand 145-3 (Williamson 58, Ravindra 3) Ravindra, who has given his wicket away a few times in this series, looks determined to do it right this time. Potts tries to tempt him outside off stump on at least three occasions but he’s having none of it; the result is a maiden.

34th over: New Zealand 145-3 (Williamson 58, Ravindra 3) Ravindra pulls his hand off the bat after being surprised by some extra bounce from Atkinson. The bounce is already a bit uneven, so facing Will O’Rourke in the fourth innings should be a laugh riot.

That bounce is a lot less treacherous when it’s wide of off stump. Potts fed Williamson in the previous over; now Atkinson does likewise and is cut for four.

33rd over: New Zealand 140-3 (Williamson 54, Ravindra 2) Potts’ first ball is a jaffa that straightens sharply to beat Williamson’s defensive push. Never mind Gary Cooper: whatever happened to the loosener?

Williamson gets the first runs of the day, four of them, with a fast-handed cut stroke. That’s it for the over.

There’s been no further rain in Hamilton, your honour, so play is about to resume. With the floodlights on, it should be a decent time to bowl. Matthew Potts will have first crck.

Radio song

“While we’re waiting, a reminder for folks, like me, wanting to hear radio coverage while abroad,” begins Mark Zip. “Guerilla Cricket is available worldwide and not geo-blocked. They are on TuneIn, YouTube, SimpleRadio, GuerillaCricket.com and, no doubt, many more places. Good commentary, fun banter, jingles!”

Play is underway in Brisbane, where – hock, shorror – Jasprit Bumrah has taken his sixth wicket. And Alex Carey, who has quietly had an excellent 2024, has raced to a 53-ball half-century.

“I would like to point out to Phil Withall that if he’s cleared his day for Test cricket and that is looking dodgy, he doesn’t have to do something productive,” writes Ian. “As a recent early retiree may I suggest he picks up some nibbles and booze and spends the day re-watching classic movies such as Zulu, A Bridge Too Far, Die Hard (it’s nearly Christmas), Gremlins, Airplane, whatever takes his fancy. You know I’m right :-).”

Das Boot?

Actually, Phil, Ian, everyone watch Kneecap! You’ll either love it or detest it. But if you love it, you’ll be smiling for a week.

“While we’re waiting,” writes Tom Hopkins, “could we check whether Tom Van der Gucht has tried any more baking since his crumble triumph?”

Well, TVdG?

“Having worked over the weekend, and been so busy I didn’t get to check the first day score until close of play, I have a day off, cleared to do nothing but enjoy Test matches,” begins Phil Withall. “Thanks to the wonderful weather, it’s starting to look like I may actually have to do something productive.”

If you’re at a loose end I’ve got a tax return that just oozes potential productivity.

It’s a little brighter in Brisbane, apparently, so we might have even play in both Test matches.

“It’s almost Christmas and I’m feeling sentimental, so I was wondering if it rains long enough, could England consider playing for a draw like the old times?” wonders Angus King. “Sclerotic run rates and Beckettian melancholy would really gladden this old timer’s heart. And what is the B*****l equivalent of Is It Cowardly To Pray For Rain?”

That’s a great question. Erm, It Is Cowardly To Pray For Rain?

Australia v India, day three

Play is due to begin in Brisbane in just under 40 minutes. ‘Due’ being the operative word because it’s hooning down there as well.

“Please tell Thomas I hold my hand up, I got it wrong,” writes Kim Thonger. “I withdraw zero and offer instead very few Germans are interested in cricket. My attacking game relies too heavily on hyperbole. Shamefaced, I trudge back to the pavilion, the dismissal going in the book as Hit Wicket b Meehan.”

I’ve just seen the official scorecard, which, in a controversial development, reads Thonger b Thonger -1. It’s the first negative score in cricket history and the first time a player has dismissed themselves. More news as we get it.

“It seems unlikely,” begins Tom Van der Gucht, and he’s not kidding. “But if England can take advantage of the cloud cover to roll over the Black Caps for 50, and with Crawley due a triple century to push his average back into the low 30s and cement his place in the team until after the Ashes, then maybe, just maybe, England have what Dave Podmore would describe as a sniff of a hint of a chance. That’s all Stokes needs...”

Actually, while I wouldn’t give England tuppence here, I spent yesterday/earlier today looking back at some of their acts of escapology in the first Bazball summer. I didn’t give them tuppence in these games either.

• New Zealand, Lord’s NZ effectively 242 for 4 in their second innings. England win by five wickets

• New Zealand, Trent Bridge England 93 for 4, chasing 299. England win by five wickets

• New Zealand, Headingley England 55 for 6 in their first innings, still 274 runs behind. England win by seven wickets

• India, Edgbaston India effectively 285 for three in their second innings. England win by seven wickets

We didn’t know we were born.

“Morning Rob,” writes Thomas Meehan. “I can confirm that some Germans are cricket fans. Johanna, my houseguest from a few years ago and a champion Sportlerin herself, was very keen on seeing a game; her partner Richy possibly less so. Unfortunately it was out of season so instead we wandered down the hill to Coogee Oval to watch Randwick play.”

Bad news from Hamilton

“It is now raining again and the covers are coming back on...” writes Ali.

Good news from Hamilton

“Interestingly, we have some peelage of the covers occurring.,” writes Ali Martin. “Bethell, Stone, Root, Anderson playing a game of keepy ups in front of the pavilion.”

“High praise for Will O’Rourke, but well-earned I feel, as he has a bit of Courtney Walsh about his action and the deceptive nastiness of his short ball,” writes Gary Naylor. “The difference in age between 21 and 23 is a lot more than that between 31 and 33 in Test cricket, but Jacob Bethell (21) looked very raw indeed against O’Rourke (23) yesterday.

“Strokemaking for a batter is like shot-stopping for a goalkeeper – eye-catching, but if they couldn’t do it, they wouldn’t be a pro. Whether young Bethell can go on to master the equivalent of goalkeeper commanding his box through anticipation, footwork and personality remains to be seen – going to be fun finding out though, isn’t it?”

Walsh is a good comparison; like O’Rourke, his angles were awkward and he got the ball to follow right-handers. The other bowler he reminds me of is peak Steve Harmison.

I think that’s slightly harsh on Bethell. The shot to get out was poor, but then so were Brook’s and Root’s and they hadn’t been worked over. Before that he dealt pretty well with a couple of really horrible throat balls. Don’t forget that O’Rourke roughed up Ben Stokes even more emphatically in the previous Test.

That said, it did give me pause over Bethell’s potential role in the top three against India and Australia. For now he’s first reserve and I wouldn’t deviate from that. In the long term I’d put him my house on him making it; he’s the best under-23 England batter since Joe Root. And he’ll have learned so much from these three Tests.

“One of those days,” writes Ali Martin, our main at Seddon Park. “Bit of rain first thing and now sort of overcast, dank and spotting. And as I type that a droplet lands on my phone screen fhremmajsnslrh.”

England Women are also in action against South Africa in Bloemfontein. On the first day of their one-off Test, Maia Bouchier made a charming debut century and Nat Sciver-Brunt reaffirmed her all-time greatness. Her consistent brilliance, particularly with the bat, is mind-blowing.

The weather forecast is better after lunch so I’m sure there will be plenty of play. If not, there’s always Australia v India at the Gabba. Hang on, the forecast is iffy there as well.

“Evening Rob,” writes Kim Thonger. “I’ve spent the last couple of days in Germany. Even though a large proportion of Germans are sports mad, I can confirm what we all knew. Nobody has the slightest interest in cricket of any sort.

“I’ve been pondering, could it be that those responsible for preparing school playing fields have always been horrified by the imperial measurements used to create pitches and equipment?

“For example. Here is a list of imperial measurements used in cricket and their metric conversions:

Cricket pitch Length 22 yards (66 feet) is approximately 20.12 meters

Cricket pitch Width 10 feet is approximately 3.05 meters

Boundary distance Typically ranges from 50 to 90 yards, equivalent to 45.72 to 82.29 meters

Bat length Maximum of 38 inches, which is about 96.52 centimeters.

Ball weight Between 5.5 and 5.75 ounces, or approximately 156 to 163 grams

“If we compromised slightly – for example, the pitch could be 20x3m – maybe ground staff in the village of Gschlachtenbretzingen, located in Baden-Württemberg (it really exists), might be less reticent?”

Nobody in Germany is interested in cricket? Tell that to Ben Kohler-Cadmore!

I’m with Colly. Though England weren’t great yesterday, the game turned on a spell of fast bowling from Will O’Rourke that any of the great West Indians of the 1980s would have been proud to bowl.